I love the campaign at the moment titled
R U OK about having conversations that count.  But, do we notice the conversations that ‘don’t count.’  These conversations are the many and often automatic, like:

Good morning how are you?

How many times do we say this (of course change morning to afternoon or evening) and we are horrified when someone actually tells us!  I changed my greeting in recent times to just  “Good Morning” because I really didn’t want to hear how they were.

In yesterdays post I mentioned John Lennon’s quote about life getting in the way while you are making other plans, and I suppose part of that is other peoples problems getting in the way of my problems when mine are more important!

I am a great advocate of more ‘warriors’ and less ‘victims’ but maybe, some days, you are neither and just need to be validated for being alive.

I am already getting annoyed by the sound of this post as I am sounding like a ‘victim wannabe.’  What I really want to say is there is talking, communicating and connecting.

I am sick of so much talking.  Communicating has it’s place in passing on information for a variety of reasons.  But, what about connecting. What about creating and then maintaining that connection.  I don’t want to get into the realm of shit canning social media and the connected versus unconnected nature of todays electronic interactions.  What I want to do is get into the realm of not asking a question you don’t give a shit about the answer to.  I also want to get into the realm of having a conversation, that makes a connection that is valid.

I think I started this train of thought in Better Wife when I talked about treating someone not how you should be treated, or tolerate being treated, but, treating them in a way that is just for them.

I think this is applicable in every aspect of your life.  I think this is something that you have to think about all the time while life is getting in the way.  If it is just for them:

How do I treat the guy at the servo
How do I treat the telly marketer
How do I treat the bloke who just cut me off
How do I treat the boss
How do I treat people who may work for me
How do I treat the person who is really different to me

I suppose I can’t know how to ‘connect’ with some of these people as it is in these moments when I am in a hurry, I am angry, I am insecure, I don’t notice them, I am afraid, or worried, or scared… and those feelings many not even be about them.

I think I will make a big step.

I have my new greeting.

“Good morning (afternoon, evening), is there anything I can do for you.”

“What can I do with my life”

I was thinking about this question.  It was just sitting there on a blank page.

It only requires an answer if you think about the question.  But, when you think about it you have to start deciding what it means.  Is it a rhetorical question, is it a moot point as you are already there, is it only for the young, is it something that you think you have contemplated before but, when you really think about it you haven’t.

So, do you think about this question because you want to or because you have to.

I read an article a while back about a nurse who worked with people who were dying and came up with the “Top 5 Regrets People Have on Their Deathbeds.”  I thought it was sad that you had to be dying before you asked the question what can I do with my life?  I wrote in my post Better Dead that we only have one certainty in life, and that is death, yet we live our lives in apparent obliviousness to this fact.

It is pretty obvious from my blog that I think about the purpose and direction of life a fair bit.  There are thousands (maybe millions) of ‘self help’ solutions in books, on the internet and from just about everybody you meet; but, I think it is really about who you are and what you want.

I came up with the little diagram which I think makes a good starting point for asking the question what can I do with my life.  These three questions are ones that you think are only asked by the mystics sitting in a temple somewhere in the mountains, preferably in the lotus position.  But, really aren’t they what life is about; aren’t not asking these questions what makes the regrets on the deathbed.  Also aren’t they great thoughts to have in making decisions about what can I do with my life.

Just try it, ask yourself those questions:

What am I deeply passionate about.

I think passion is what drives us most and we are often working against our passions, which could translate into against our values, in doing what we don’t believe in.

What can I be great at.

I love this question because it is not asking you what you ARE good at, or what in your last work performance appraisal you boss said you reached standards for, but what you can be GREAT at.  This is also a question that I ask my friends often while having a beer, sitting around after the BBQ or at the dinner table.  I ask them if you could be anything, have the job of your dreams, without consideration of money, what would you do.  The sad part aout asking this question is that a lot, and I mean a lot, of people say, I don’t know.  I find this hard to believe that you can live you life not knowing what it is, if you could do anything, that you would do.  Then again, they probably never asked themselves the question.

What drives and provides for me.

This is such a great question after reading and thinking about the above.  Oh, yeah I can be whatever I want now I have to think about how I will manage to follow my dream and actually be able to eat at the same time!  Let’s face it, we live in a great country and nobody starves to death and even the most unfortunate of us can have a pretty good life.  So, that question about providing for me is really about what you can tolerate AND if it drives you then perhaps you can tolerate a lot.  Just think about those driven to aid work, who live in the worst places on earth with only those that are there because they have to be; think about the adventurer who saves everything and spends it on that next adventure; think of the writer or painter who lives in solitude and often borderline poverty to complete the masterpiece; think of the Mum’s everywhere who give their all to their children; think of the children who leave their Mum’s to travel the world.  I think in asking this question you balance the drive with the ability to survive – and perhaps that drive may even put that survival at risk – but it may just be worth it.

So, now we are getting serious about what can I do with my life.  It may or may not be about adventure.  To some it may be about being peaceful, fulfilled, spiritual, rich, powerful… this list goes on, but it is a list that YOU have to choose from.

It’s always great doing that searching the inner self thing – often it is laughable as the minute you make a decision to go out and grab that future, life gets in the way!  John Lennon probably summed it up in his quote “Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans.”

I also think that you can’t look at your life, especially a review of your life as a ‘problem solving exercise.’ so much of our time is spent on trying to ‘fix’ stuff.  That always trying to fix stuff gets in the way of doing the stuff we are good at.  Yeah, I know there are lots of managements tools like a SWOT analysis (Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities and Threats – don’t you just hate this management gobbledigook shit!) etc etc, but what about looking at things in the positive.  You don’t hide from the negative, or in modern speak, the challenges, you just don’t let them rule.

Try this in conjunction with the above (it helps if you are actually in the lotus position, facing the rising sun, in some sort of loose fitting robe, preferably orange….):

• What is your DREAM – what really could be in my life – do I have a vision
• What is here already I need to DISCOVER – what is in my life now; what dont I appreciate already.
• What is my DESIGN to reach my DREAM – what is the way it should be – how am I going to put it all together
• I am going to work on being able to DELIVER my DESIGN for my DREAM – how do I sustain the implementation of my design – what should I be doing now – do it!

For those of you who recognise the above it is called ‘appreciative enquiry.’  I love it as I am sick of the wallowing in the poor me syndrome – appreciative enquiry is about taking the best and making it the fuel for your dream.

Coming up with a plan is often as hard as deciding that dream as I mentioned before when asking people if they could be anything what would they be?  It is so often something that people have not considered.  It is also something that a lot of people do not think, let alone believe, is their choice.  In our business we (my wife and I) sat down and decided that we needed to have our dream for our business before we had a logo, ABN or office space.  It was pretty hard as we had to actually decide why we were doing it. (If you are interested in our Strategic Plan it is on our Facebook page – click here to go there).

Working out your DREAM, your vision, is the most important thing.  Living life on auto pilot I think leads to those 5 death bed regrets.

So I have my DREAM / VISION for me, what next.

Well, how about a cunning plan.

Often easier said than done. Just about no one is capable of telling you how they plan; well not easily and quickly, or without meetings and committees, or a few hundred documents and the ability to turn all good ideas into the realm of too hard and this is not what I imagined it would look like. Remember, you already know what it will look like so if it isn’t going that way stop.  Below I have included the model I use which is simple to remember.  Use it for all the stuff that you plan. Most people don’t think about how they plan and you often hear them say, I don’t know how I do it, I just do – which incidentally works out just fine most of the time, until someone loses an eye!  Or, like now, you are trying to come up with a plan and you get….. blank!

Try this (see diagram).  It is easy to remember as it turns (as King Midas of Greek mythology did) everything into gold!  

Relate it to your positive, appreciative ideas.  Your MISSION – Your DREAM.  Your INFORMATION is your DISCOVERY. Your OPTIONS and your development of them is your DESIGN – Put the sublime to the ridiculous in your list!  Do your ANALYSIS and fine tune your DESIGN.  Now, SELECT YOUR OPTION and DELIVER on it.

Yes, yes, I know there a thousand things to consider, but remember this is positive not about how deep the shit is and the fact that you live in a valley.  Write things down, doodle, squiggle and work the appreciation of “What can I do with my life”

Okay, this sounds simple, well maybe not. But, its a start.  I did it and did it again and no doubt will do it again.  A good time to start is now, today.

This may not sound true, but I went out half way through typing this post and was chatting to a friend about ‘stuff’ when they said ‘tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow’ when I said I had almost finished a job that had been hanging over my head for some time.  They explained, and I looked it up and thought I would finish this post with it (it’s not too heavy, trust me, read it slow and then read it again; a good interpretation can be found here).

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow

Macbeth:

To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.

Macbeth Act 5, scene 5, 19–28

I have been a letter writer for most of my life, and still am.

A ‘Letter Card’ received from my teacher in Berri in 1970 – I was 9 years old.

I think this initially happened because we moved from the city to the country when I was in primary school and I kept in touch with school friends via letter.  I then moved back to the city for work and wrote letters to my Mum and Dad most weeks – well I really had no choice as they didn’t have a telephone until I was 16 (I still remember that if it was really urgent we would ring Mrs Gertig next door who seemed terribly sophisticated with an old black bakelite phone.  Mrs Gertig would very graciously get Mum or Dad or return to take a message if they weren’t home).

There is lots of discussion of late of how the changes and advances in technology are redefining our social interaction, especially in the lives of our children.  Which reminds me, I really don’t get the Facebook and other posts where it starts “Are you a child of the 50’s, 60’s and remember when you….’  which usually finishes off with something about the kids of today not doing that anymore.  This sort of post always troubles me in that aren’t you talking about your kids; which to me would mean that the reason they don’t do it is because you didn’t let them…. always confuses me.  Plus drinking out of the hose wasn’t always that great from my memory – plus, I don’t do it now!?

Anyway my post is not about lamenting what others don’t do but what I do and love to do.

I love writing letters.  I know it shouldn’t seem different between writing and sending an email or sitting down with a pen and paper and writing a ‘hard copy’ letter, but, somehow it just does.  For me it is the flow of my words, in cursive,  straight from my brain to the paper, no backspace, just me and a blank page to fill with words that might mean something.  It is also me imagining, as I am writing, the other person sitting there and reading it – even perhaps ‘saving’ the letter to read at a time when they can enjoy it the most.

Letters are also like time capsules.  I have kept just about every card and letter anyone has ever sent me (Yes, OCD is something I do not deny!)  Just the other day I had a phone call from an old friend and after a great chat I went and pulled out all their old letters.

Suddenly thoughts, feelings and even events that I had not considered for years (or in some cases even remembered happening) came back as if they were yesterday.  So, I sat down and wrote them a letter saying how glad I was for the phone call, and mostly for the friendship and contact (even though sometimes it was not for years) over such a large and varied history of our lives.  And, some of that history was captured in those letters which we wrote when we were young, priorities were different and we wanted to share it in our own words and handwriting.

I have been reading a couple of books lately about letter writing.  In both they often make the reference to the ‘lost art’ of letter writing.  I probably have to disagree a bit as I think it is more like the evolving art of letter writing.  I may not agree with that evolution but I think it is there, with perhaps there still being some hope in saving the heart of letters in an electronic age.

I think I have noticed this most in that even though I still write letters to my kids they don’t write back but when I see them they say “Oh, yeah, thanks for that…”   I have tried the ‘Facebook In-Box Letter’ but anything over 3 lines is skimmed over (a good trick with this one is to make it really long and somewhere in the text promise them money if they ring before a certain time – haven’t had to pay yet, even though they know I do it!)

So this doesn’t sound all that good for my advocation of letter writing and its evolution into something that is equal to the good old days.  But, I had written a letter to my daughter a while back when she was having a bit of a hard time.  I told her some good old fashion ‘parent sage’ advice and said that I was proud and loved her no matter what.  I didn’t ask her if she received the letter, I didn’t think I could stand an “Oh, yeah, thanks for that….” regarding something I had laboured over and put a little bit of my heart into.  Several months later on one of those rare moments when you actually connect with your kids, she took the cover off of her phone and showed me the letter which she had been carrying around with her since she received it.  She said that it helped her remember what was important. (Secret Dad misty moment….)

I also write my Mum who is in a nursing home a letter at least once a fortnight.  As I visit her every weekend, subject matter is often on short supply, so I recount times from the past or enclose old family photos.  I typed (that means wrote it on the computer and printed it) her a letter one week and she told me she liked my handwriting and typing didn’t feel like it was from me.  My kids tell me not to use cursive as they can’t read it!

I  suppose my letters may go unanswered but they will always remain snap shots in time for the recipient.  Plus, when I think about it I don’t write the letter to get a reply.  It is not a quid-pro-quo arrangement I have with any recipient. It is often not the content of the letter but that I took the time to sit down and write something that matters; or perhaps that doesn’t matter.  So often it is not what we say or do, but how we make someone feel that is important.  I think we all could agree that we cannot remember all the kind or cruel acts perpetrated against or for us, but we can always remember the feelings.  It is sometimes nice to have something tangible, like a note or a card while going through this lamentation.

I don’t think I have an magic formula for writing letters and after reading those couple of books on letter writing I am more convinced there is no formula.  If you have to go through a check list to write a letter than perhaps an email will do.  It is like what I call management 101, which is practiced by so many new (and often inappropriately) promoted managers….  say good morning, ask a personal question, tell them they are doing a good job, ask if you can provide anything… walk away, do the same to next employee…. walk to office… forget all previous conversations as you have a meeting to go to….

I think, while I can, I will always take the time to sit down and write that letter.  It is also often a time to sit down and write things for yourself;  nothing makes you feel so good as writing a thank you note; penning half a page sharing good new; a quick note enclosing a real photo is an intimate sharing of self; saying I love you feels just as good to write as read; I am proud of you lasts beyond the moment of that graduation when recorded for all time in a handwritten card; I am sad with you and for you is really shared when you hold the sentiment in a small card from a friend…..

Finally, I think my blog is a form of open letter to people who I think matter.

I wrote Better at War the other day and made reference to my circles of authority, responsibility and concern – I actually made reference to this post which at that time I had not done – so here it is!

It all came about as I am a bit sick of being responsible for things I have not authority over, but mainly I am worried about my level of concern for those same things.

Often the size of my ‘circles’ of authority, responsibility and concern are something that is thrust upon me and not something I choose.  Well, I asked myself a while ago, why can’t I choose?

A few years ago I drew the below chart (the top figure) to explain how I felt at work, and often felt about my private life, and even sometimes about the world!

I decided to redraw my chart (the bottom figure) to align with how my life should be in all aspects. The thing is, that my circle of concern grows to exponential proportions on some days and shrinks to a dot on others. I think this is okay so long as my circles of authority and responsibility stay aligned.

I also think accepting responsibility is different to having it thrust upon you. Often when this happens it feels like someone is looking for a ‘fall guy’.  I also think that under no circumstance should you accept any responsibility for anything you don’t have authority over.

All this sounds pretty mandatory and stinks of complete abrogation of responsibility for what might be happening in my life, my community, my country and in fact my world.

But, and there is a big BUT here, I found that by not worrying so much about the things I wasn’t responsible for, or had authority over, my life got a whole lot less complicated; well in my head anyway.

I know we are supposed to look after those that can’t look after themselves as I stated as being one of the attributes of a man in my post What is being a Man; but we also have to look after ourselves a bit as well.  You cant help somebody else if you can’t help yourself.  I also found that by worrying less my whole outlook on things got a bit…. calmer.

I wrote about this feeling of responsibility and the regret for not being able to fix some of the things that are bad in our world in Better a Racist and Better Hatred or Hated but reckon these feelings are often thrust upon us, often by ourselves.  I have no doubt that the media are responsible for a great deal of this 21st Century guilt and our need as the ‘first world’ to fix everyone else’s problems.  I suppose this ‘first world guilt’ is like being a parent, you want to fix everything for your kids, and like a parent, it takes a while to realise you can’t.  This realisation also has to stop us, even if it’s only in our heads, to stop being a global parent.

I am not advocating ‘giving up’ however I am advocating looking at it from a different perspective.  Perhaps even like in the parent, child analogy above.  Being concerned about everything, and trying to control everything is where you can lose yourself.  I think this means that you let go of anger, which often comes through perceived helplessness and start to think along the lines of, I will do what I can, with what I have and that is, really all I can do.  Perhaps most of the time that is enough.  Bearing in mind that this is very different for everyone of us.  Some of us on our good days can’t do very much and others, who always seem to have good days, choose not to.  Again it is about choice.

Also, concern is not action.  I can be concerned about something as much as I want to, irrespective on my ability to change it, however, this concern is wasted if I am not concerned enough to actually do something about it.  To a certain extent this then just becomes whinging and having a bitch at the pub about how everything is so fucked and why doesn’t somebody do something about it – hey, it’s your shout!

Concern also often manifests itself in the form of control.  If we are concerned about something we often feel as above, helpless, or in some instances where we have some influence we must gain control in an attempt to pacify our concern.  Unfortunately this can then become the driving force of our interactions with everyone in that to circumvent concern we must always have control.  I think this is how the disease of ‘micro-management’ is caught.  Control to immunise ourselves against concern.  This is most definitely the case in the parent trap of attempting to fix things for our kids before they even happen.  I think the only good that comes from that is that we get a lot of people (and our kids) who stop being concerned about anything and wait for it to be fixed by the magic someone.

I suppose the best analogy of being concerned within your authority and responsibility is that a while ago I drew it to the attention of someone at work that something could go horribly wrong with a project they were working on.  They came and saw me (as I was sure I had told them about my concerns in writing) and said “What are we going to do about this”.  My reply was that I had already done it.  There was this moment where I could see the bewilderment in their face.  I had the above chart on my office wall and pointed it out to them.  The look of bewilderment continued.  I said I was concerned about what was happening and as a matter of professional courtesy drew it to their attention (which I didn’t have to) and for me, sorry, but that was it from me.  They left, I have no doubt a bit disappointed and bewildered that I was not going to fix their problem.   To a certain extent I did feel the need to step in and fix things, but realised that by doing that I was thrusting the ‘fall guy’ position on myself and catching a good dose of ‘micro-management’.

So here I am, concerned to the point of my authority and accepting no responsibility beyond that.  It definitely feels calmer, but does it feel as fulfilling as always striving to make the world a better place.  Well in today speak “Yes, No, but…..”

I suspect the guilt of not doing something has to be tolerated so that when we really have to do something we don’t have to do everything.

I think it is a part of us to want to make the world a better place.  I also think we sometimes just get a bit lost in the enormity of it all and with most things when we feel as if something it too hard, we do nothing.

I don’t think it is about changing the things we can change and accepting the things we cannot, or even knowing the difference.  I think the wisdom is in never giving up hope and that like the six-percenters, things will change when it is the right time.

All we have to do is each day is be a little bit better at being better, and keep our circles aligned.