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Better with Des Steele, my friend.

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Below is my eulogy to my mate Des Steel.

Recently I received copies of the eulogies from his son Rowan Steele and his great mate Graham Puckridge – I have included these eulogies in this post as well (on 24/12/2014) and will repost this on Facebook and Linkedin.

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I went to the funeral recently for my old mate Des Steele.

I am a better man for having had him as my friend.

I will miss him.

I had the honour of doing one of the eulogies.  Below is the text of the eulogy.

 

Des was my friend.

Des was a member of the South Australia Police Pistol Club since the mid 70’s, he had his last shoot on the 30th November 2014 when he a Kelly Dog went up the Club for the last time.

Today members of the club are wearing their red shirts in honour of Des.

Des will always be remembered and honoured at the club in the annual awarding of the ‘Des Steele Trophy’ – which was established in 1997. It is always one of the last trophies to be awarded at the Annual General Meeting after people have stepped forward to collect their highest score trophies, most improved trophies, etc etc….. then would come the announcement of the Des Steel Trophy – always a highly guarded secret. At this time there would be shuffling of feet and lowering of eyes as the trophy was usually awarded after the annual interstate trip to the APSPC and was awarded for

“the behaviour Des would be most proud of.”

 Des surprisingly enough only ever won the trophy once in 2004 – when he was on a road trip to Brisbane with 3 team mates, Miller, Webby and Davey-boy-Goad.  Des was left to navigate while Dave drove and the others slept – when they awoke they had travelled 400 km closer to Adelaide, but unfortunately they were travelling to Brisbane, Des only winning the trophy once is testimony to the good company he kept at the club.

Des was my friend: 

I will miss his handshake

I will miss our long chats where would often lament – and use words such as lament – about:

Life
It’s joys, it’s trials and it’s futility – Des’s philosophy of life was so often expressed in literary greats such as Shakespeare, that Des could quote and recite by heart:

Henry the Fifth, Act 4, Scene 3

Old men forget: yet all shall be forgot,

But he’ll remember, with advantages,
What feats he did that day. Then shall our names,
Familiar in his mouth as household words
This story shall the good man teach his son,
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remembered,
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers:
For he to-day that shreds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne’er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition;
And gentlemen in England no-a-bed
Shall think themselves accurs’d they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispins day.

I will miss our discussions about literature, about stories
– Sanders of the River
– The Washing of the Spears
– The Indian Rebellion
– Bury my Heart at Wounded Knee
…. And both of us badly reciting poetry

I will miss our chats of love, of women,

I will miss our chats of family and children

I will miss how we laughed about:
– Life, love, women and family
– How we laughed at each other…. And everyone else
– How we laughed about religion – I think most of us know Des’s opinion of who God was…. No man could be so cruel
– I will miss the irreverence….

…. And we would often say, even lament, “Life is often grave, but it need not be serious”

I will miss our beers together:
– Beers at the Pistol Club
– Beers in the Police Club
– Beers on the boat
– Beers out the back
– Beers in the lounge (the last lounge room on earth where you could smoke inside) 

I will miss our friendship…. as so many of you will:
– The old scholars of PAC
– The RSL
– Peter Alexander, Puk
– The men and women of the SAPPC
And all the friendships in the Police and throughout his working and travelling life. The friendships he had with his dogs – and the last, Kelly-Dog

Des’s friendships spanned the years, the generations, occupations, locations, adversity…. and the tyranny of time. Each of these friendships were personal.

Des was a man who if he was your friend, he asked for nothing, listened well, and through this, your life was somehow better. Many of us may not be able to specifically remember the last conversation we had with Des – but we will always remember the way he made us feel…..

Des never underestimated the finality and often futility of life – we would often discuss what appeared so often, to be people living a life oblivious to the only one certainty….

We spoke of it but Des was not like this – He knew that real happiness could be obtained by taking it as it comes, not taking it to seriously and always having time for a beer.

Des in the end didn’t have many possessions, but he surrounded himself with things that didn’t cost much but were of real value… his friends, his photographs, books, his Mum’s paintings. Des only ever used the word ‘JOY’ when he spoke of his children and especially his grandchildren… It is not the man who dies with the most toys that wins, it is the man who dies with the most joys.

Recently, I thought that we had discovered the words to sum up our muses, his sage advice and his counsel :

From Macbeth (Act 5, Scene 5, lines 17-28)

There would have been a time for such a word.
To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player

That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more.
It is a tale,
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury

Signifying…. nothing 

It would be at this time, at other funerals I have attended, that I would sit back down next to Des and he would lean over and whisper – “But we’re still here.”

Des Steele, was my friend.

I have lived, and will continue to live a better life, and perhaps be a better man, for having known him.

Des Steele was my friend.

And, I will miss him.

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Eulogy by Graham Puckridge

Desmond Luke Steele J.P. 11-7-1928 to 3-12 2014

Firstly thank you to all who have travelled long distances to be here. My name is Graham Puckridge and I have known Desmond Luke Steele and his Family for the last 35 years. It is a privilege and honour to be asked by his family to speak with you today about an incredible man who was a philosopher, a sage, a mentor, a raconteur, a confidante and above all a fantastic friend, Father, Grandfather and companion, to many of us here today.

Des was born at Wayville in 1928. He was one of two children and had a younger Sister Trish, who sadly passed on many years ago. His Father was a teacher at Prince Alfred College and so naturally Des attended Primary and Secondary school here. PAC has always been in his blood and it is fitting that we are holding his memorial in in this Chapel in the College, which was so special to him. To say Des was religious would be an overstatement. He described himself as being an agnostic who believed in divine malevolence. However, he liked to have an each way bet on religion and was always quick to point out that he won the scripture prize here at PAC and he could quote heaps of passages from the bible, none of which he practiced.

After PAC, Des went to Adelaide University where he started studying Medicine. I believe he started a couple times and I think he did about 3 years of medicine before leaving Uni. From what Des told me, he wasn’t the most dedicated student and was too easily distracted with the social side of Uni life.

In 1946, Des went to Darwin where he took up a job as a Registrar of Mines for the Northern Territory. He was responsible to the Commissioner of Mines and when not in Darwin he spent his service around Adelaide River and Rum Jungle. Darwin was still damaged from Japanese attacks and very much a wild frontier town still ravaged with bullet holes. He loved it and thrived on the carefree territory lifestyle. He played football and went shooting crocodiles and buffalo and developed a love of diving, spearfishing and the sea that has stayed with him all through his life. He has described to me how he loved to go diving on the many shipwrecks in Darwin Harbour.

He came back to Adelaide about 1952 and later married his first wife Betty, which produced Rowan and then Alana. He took up a Job in Nuriootpa with one of the wineries working in the Lab and then later moved to Port Pirie where he worked in the laboratories of the Smelters. One of the sayings he picked up in the Barossa locals, which has stayed with him all this time, was “Oh gosh, it is 11 o’clock already so soon already. Where’s the time gone.”

Des then worked as a Rep for a Drug Company called Upjohn, which saw him having to drive all over South Australia in a VW visiting Country Doctors to promote pharmaceutical products. A lot of the country roads were unsealed and he told me what a fantastic car the VW was and he loved to tear up the dirt roads in it. Often he caught up with Doctor’s he knew from his Uni days and would enjoy their hospitality. One occasion he was drinking in the local Pub with the Doctor, when he got called to do an emergency appendectomy. He grabbed Des, got him to put on a gown, scrub up and help him in surgery. He remembers the patient waking up half way through and having to administer chloroform or ether to get them knocked out again. They then rushed back to the Pub to get some beers in before 6 o’clock closing.

I am not sure of the year, but sadly Des and Betty separated and he later on married Roberta. That produced two more daughters, Amanda and Rebecca. Roberta has also travelled from Darwin to be with us here today.

Des took on a job as a Parole Officer with Correctional services. This brought him into contact with the Police and other Law Enforcement Organisations and was to be his chosen career until he retired in 1991.

Unfortunately Des and Roberta separated and Des met and married Cathy. Cathy already had a Son Matthew and Des took on Matthew as his own Son and has been an enduring father figure to him ever since.

All marriages are not made in heaven and Des and Cathy eventually parted ways about 1986. Des then started his long lasting relationship and deep friendship with Helen Michos, which has endured for the last 28 years. Helen’s Son Evan also has looked upon Des as a significant Father figure and mentor in his life and Des was very fond of Evan and his Daughter Hayley. So in a nutshell, Des Steele, 3 marriages, 6 children counting Evan, and 7 Grandchildren Jack, Ellie, Thomas, Amelia, Zack, Poppy and Halely, whom he loved dearly and his world revolved around. Des didn’t become a Grandfather until he was about 73 but often said his Grand children gave him so much Joy.

I first met Des about 1979, when he used to be a regular at the Police Club. He was always very friendly and sociable and loved a drink. Boy did he love a drink! He was a Senior Probation Officer at the Adelaide Gaol and he was very passionate supporter of the Police and C.I.B. in particular. I learned that Des was part of a Group called the Combined Investigators Association, which was a way all the Law Enforcement and Justice organisations networked and socialised together back then before computers, to exchange information, make the system work and get the job done. Through Des, I met a lot of useful contacts and friends in the Justice system many of whom are here today.

I moved to Kadina CIB in 1982 and Des and his children, Matthew, Amanda and Rebecca as well as Kelly dog one, where regular visitors on Friday nights and weekends when they used to go to Wallaroo for weekends fishing. Des had a V8 Valiant, which he used to call the “Ethnic Rolls Royce” and he would call in for a couple quick drinks with the boat on the way to Wallaroo and still be there near midnight. Jean and I eventually began to look forward to these nocturnal Friday night visits as Amanda, Rebecca and Matthew used to fuss over our young Son Brett and wheel him all over Kadina in his stroller until he went to sleep whilst we enjoyed cold frothies.

Des often took me fishing at Wallaroo. On one occasion, we were at Point Riley, it was dead calm and the water like glass. No fish were biting. We decided to go snorkelling and get some scallops. After we had been in the water for a while, we saw a huge school of garfish at the back of the boat. We got back in the boat and bagged out in no time. We returned to shore and went to the Wallaroo Hotel and Des said the fish would be okay and he would fillet them later. It wouldn’t take him too long as he had done a fish filleting course he said. Needless to say no fish got filleted that night and he awoke in the morning to the hum and buzz of blow flies trying to carry the boat and fish away. That’s when I first heard Des’s strategy for dealing with any problem. The ever reliable “F1. Not to worry it doesn’t matter.”

In 1984 the Kadina CIB started an Annual Xmas get together called the ‘Captains Night’ to thank those who had supported us during the year. This function eventually morphed into a fund raising event and ran for 27 years, raising hundreds of thousands of dollars for Yorke Peninsula charities. Des was a great supporter and only missed one year in 27, after a shoulder operation. He eagerly looked forward to it each year and everyone was always very happy to see him. When we used to leave Adelaide to drive up, as soon as we were out of the City limits, he would give a big sigh and say, “It’s all back there mate, I can feel it all dropping away.” He always loved a road trip anywhere and took any excuse to get away, especially to Yorke Peninsula. No trip to Yorke Peninsula was ever complete without a stop at Port Wakefield for a Pie or Pasty from the Bakery.

Des lived in his Family House at Young Street Wayville, just a short distance from the Show grounds. In 1988 he had to sell this home, which he loved dearly and I rented my vacant house at Westbourne Park to him on condition that I could use a room when I eventually shifted back to Adelaide in 1989. For about 6 months, myself and his two dogs Kelly one and Baron, were housemates. We had a lot of laughs. Talk about the odd couple.

Des used to get lamb off cuts from the butcher and cook them in the oven for the dogs. One night we arrived home from the pub peckish to find the fridge empty and two hungry dogs. The smell of the cooked lamb meat was too tempting so, in we hopped into the dogs dinner much to the look of disgust on both dog’s faces.

Another time I was cooking roast pork in the weber on the front verandah and the smell of the crackling had wafted down the street. Des could smell it as he walked up from the bus stop and was drooling at the mouth by the time he got in the gate. I had not even had a chance to do the veggies or gravy, but he didn’t care. He was famished and he got stuck into the meat and crackle like he hadn’t eaten for a week. The next day he was feeling off and went to his Family Doctor complaining of stomach pain. The Doctor who he had been at Uni with, poked and prodded, hummed and haa then sat down and wrote out the sick certificate for “ Fucking Gluttony”. The Doctor was smoking in the Surgery and Des said, “Give us a smoke Doc. No Des, they are bad for you.”

Des bought his current home at Clearview in 1989 and we moved him out there. We have kept in constant contact since then. He retired from Corrections in 1991 aged about 63 and took on the role of being a Pensioner. He was impressed by all the things he could get for free from the Government and he used them wisely. He also became a Justice of the Peace.

In the early nineties his daughter Alana was living in San Diego and Des did his first overseas trip to America to visit her. Des soon made friends with a man, whose Son was an Officer in the US Navy. He was privileged to tour the USS Chancellorsville and be treated to US Navy Hospitality. He was also a regular at the Mission Beach Golf Club bar where Alana used to work. He also made friends and contacts in the San Diego Police.

One of Des’s lifelong passions has been the old west, cowboy movies and western songs. He also had a fascination with Mexico and tried unsuccessfully to learn Spanish. I called it murdering the Spanish language, but he persevered. He did eventually achieve his dream to do a trip to Tombstone to tour the old west and Mexico, he even went to the bull fights.

When he returned he would try and impress everyone with his fluent Spanish and his favourite phrases;

Senor Lo siento, yo no sabía que ella era su hija

  • Sorry Senor, I didn’t know she was your daughter

por favor no me disparar Soy australiano

  • Please Don’t shoot me I am Australian

To this day his email name is Eldesso

Trips

I was fortunate to do many trips with Des. You couldn’t ask for a funnier person to go on a road trip with. His wit and humour kept me laughing and entertained. Des loved the British humour of Monty Python and all the ‘one liner’ gags that came out of it. Especially The Holy Grail and Life of Brian

  • In 2000 we travelled to Bunbury in Western Australia, to catch up with his US Navy mate Sean McLaren whom he had met in San Diego. We met the USS Higgins when it arrived in Bunbury and were privileged to spend a week with Sean on and off the ship. We got access to all areas that civilians would never be allowed to go and it was fascinating.
  • (USS Higgins – Sean McLaren. Nazi’s be bumped into, potato Nazi, forest Nazi, harbour Nazi, rogue locust.
  • Snotty bitch at function on ship Mayors wife.
  • In 2003 his friend Sean visited Brisbane in the USS Blue Ridge, so Des flew there to meet and spend time with him. He was treated like a king on the ship and again got access to all areas.
  • Pistol Club trips weekend Qantas cancelled all flights
  • Point Turton Caravan Park. Only same sex couple in caravan park. Grey nomad couples. “I bet the girls will have heaps of jobs lined up for us when we get home”.
  • Parsons Beach where he felt most at peace and shared so many happy times with his children and grand children.
  • Elliston/Venus Bay, Bairds Bay, Gawler Ranges (Jobby mounds)

 

Funny stuff

There are so many funny anecdotes I could tell that we would be here all day. So perhaps they are best left for later this afternoon when we have a few drinks and celebrate Des’s life in the way he would of wanted us to.

  • Telemarketers Indian telemarketer ringing his home. Hello Mr Steeley. How are you today Sir? No very well I am afraid. Just come back from the doctor and I have to take ……………….. bowels……….Thanks very much for ringing to see how I am.
  • Feigning dementia when getting phone calls from the Tax Office or Centrelink.
  • Garry Johnson’s 50th “I thought I was coming to a 50th not a beauty pageant”
  • Matthews wedding,   “I forgot how attractive you were.”

PASSIONS

Football, Motorcycles, Police Pistol Club, Small boat club, sailing The Alana, Enfield RSL, Fishing, The sea, The Police Club, His many Dogs including Kelly Dog,

The Family shack at Parsons beach, Reading

Parsons Beach was where he felt most at peace and shared so many happy times with his children and grand children.

Desisims

  • Fair component of fuck all
  • F1
  • It’s a wonderful thing we are doing
  • IGA and family court. Checkout guy. That is more than I got for my last visit to the Family Court.
  • Minlaton Bakery. Can you tell me my name and where I live
  • You need a new computer. Either that or a psychiatrist.
  • Indian sales man at door who lost his shoe and never came back.
  • Jehovah’s witnesses at front door. ‘Absolute Drama’
  • Oh you want sugar as well. I suppose you want Milk.

Apart from good times, Des has always been there for me through difficult and challenging times.

Operations

Des had a few Operations over his life. He had both knees replaced one in 1990 and one about 2006. He wasn’t a good patient and absolutely hated being in hospital.

  • After his last Knee Op the nurses found him wandering around Memorial hospital at night with no pants on trying to rescue everyone from train accident.
  • Memorial Hospital when he had his knee OP. He hated the hospital food and wanted me a to bring him a Villi’s pie. He sat there Munching it in ecstasy saying “Graham I can feel all the goodness going right through me, doing me good” I asked him about the cholesterol and he told me he couldn’t see any.
  • Bad patient. Nurses kept coming in and opening the curtains. He would get up and close them.

 

The Heart Valve

Last year Des was told he would have to have an Aortic valve replacement. As you can imagine he wasn’t happy about this, but fortunately he got on an experimental program to have this procedure done by catheter rather than thoracic surgery. After lots and lots of testing to see if he was suitable candidate and numerous delays, he finally had the procedure done in April this year. He was only in hospital about 10 days and the results were remarkable. He recovered quickly, looked and felt better, had more energy and I used the analogy that it was like dropping a new engine in an old Holden. I really thought he had dodged a bullet and got himself another 10 years. He was looking forward to the future and was even in the process of downsizing to a smaller home so he could enjoy life a bit more, with more financial choices and without the worries of home maintenance and upkeep. Sadly that hasn’t eventuated. Des wanted Sue and I to meet him to inspect a Unit he was looking at moving to last Tuesday but he never arrived. All I can tell you is that he passed away so quickly at home, that he would not of known anything about it. This is what he wanted. Des was absolutely terrified of having a stroke or some other ailment that meant spending his remaining years in a vegetative state.

Des had many dear friends from all walks of life and it would be impossible to acknowledge you all today, except to say you know who you are and how much you meant to him. I would however, like to specially thank Des’s neighbour and friend Ray Burman, who saw him nearly every day and was a great help to Des and a carer to Kelly Dog.

Des was funny, intelligent, irreverent and proudly politically incorrect and we loved him for that. His sense of humour and wit was incredible. In many ways Des was an 18 year old in an 86 year old body. He was an inspiration to us all that, that life is meant to be lived. It has been an honour to have shared so many years with Des on his journey through life. Addios Amigo and Rest In Peace mate. We will all miss you and Kelly Dog so very very much. Thank you.

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Eulogy by Rowan Steele

Dad was born on the 11th July in 1928 at Wayville to James and Isla Steele.

He had one sister Patricia with which he had a typical brother/sister relationship. Sometimes teasing, sometimes competitive but always loving.

Grandad Steele was a teacher at Prince Alfred College and that’s where Dad went. He played footy for PAC and still caught up with old school mates at the reunions.

When Dad finished school he travelled up to Darwin as Registrar for Mines. Tales from the territory always provided us kids, and his friends with lots of entertaining stories.

He raced motorbikes up there for a while and became a bit of a local celebrity, not only for the enthusiastic way he embraced the Territory lifestyle but for his skills on an old BSA scrambler.

Back in Adelaide, Dad had a few jobs but the main one was Probation and Parole Officer for Correctional Services. Sometimes Dad could whinge for Australia but it was this job that he enjoyed the most, both on the job and all the friends he made (outside of the lock-ups of course).

In Adelaide, Dad met and married our mum. That’s where Alana & I came into the picture.

That wasn’t meant to be and after a while he met and married Roberta. They had two children and Alana and I scored two sisters, Amanda & Rebecca.

That wasn’t meant to be either and Dad eventually remarried again. This one really wasn’t mean to be but on the up-side it bought Matthew into our lives. Dad loved Matt with all his heart and adopted him into our family. Dad finally learnt his lesson and found some stability with Helen as his girlfriend.

All us kids had an atypical upbringing but I mean that in the best possible way and none of us would swap it for quids. We were always surrounded by dogs, motorbikes and a rough and tumble lifestyle that looking back on it always makes me smile and makes me feel the better for it. Most of us can remember seeing a bit too much when Dad would walk around the house in his lap-lap or in a pair of speedos with the elastic gone out of it. That’s why in later years we got him board shorts to wear around the house and on the boat.

Dad loved life, loved a laugh, loved women, loved a beer, loved his kids and his grand-kids, loved his mates, loved pouring money into his boats (well maybe not loved that part) and of course he loved Kelly-dog.

All of you here have your stories of shared good times with Dad and he’d be stoked you came here to pay your respects. He’d also want you not to be upset. We all loved Dad and have some great memories we’ll keep with us. That’s exactly what Dad would want. He’d want everyone to remember the times they shared with a smile, a laugh and a beer.

If anyone is keen, we’ll be heading back to the old Police Club in Carrington Street for some beers, laughs and storytelling.

Lastly, I just want to thank you all for coming today and finish off by quoting Dad:

“It’s a wonderful thing we’re doing”.

Love you pop.

 

Better at Standing in Lines

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I have been trying lately to sit down and spend a few hours, even though I would settle for minutes, to catch up on all my writing including making a blog post.

But as I have so often said life got in the way while I was making other plans.

This morning I was travelling to visit my Mum who is very old and sick to spend some time with her. The traffic as usual was conspiring against me.

I finally stopped at a service station just before arriving at Mum’s to get a drink and of course buy cigarettes (please disregard all my previous blog posts about giving up as none of them appear to have bedded themselves in as a permanent part of my life!)

I walked inside and realised for once that there was no line at the cash register and onlyEFM-no-more-waiting-in-line-1024x307 one woman in front of me – who incidentally I had opened the door for and allowed to walk into the store in front of me (as I have said before – no good deed goes unpunished!).

She approached the counter and proceeded to check and then put back on, her cross lotto tickets for the last 100 years.  It suddenly dawned on me that I was in the scene from the video “This is Water” where it is not about being in the line, but being in a world that I realised doesn’t revolve around me.

BANG!  Thanks how long it takes to change your attitude to being in line.  Yes, I wanted to get my stuff and go and visit Mum.  Yes, it was annoying that she was putting all these cross lotto’s on when I was in the line behind her.  Yes, the line was growing behind me and I somehow felt responsible.  Yes, I did think about just walking out because after all I had been waiting for 3 minutes.  But, BANG!  I decided to not worry about it and enjoy the experience of waiting in line…..  I think I actually smiled.

Finally after much discussion about cross lotto, the very patient guy behind the counter said, ‘There you go love all fixed’ and handed her tickets to her.  The world is a wonderful place because instead of stepping away as I thought she was going to (I was in the leaning forward about to take a step position) she said, ‘Now, I just need to order a couple of coffees.’  The moan of the people who had lined up behind me, now about 8, was thunderous – two walked out.  I actually laughed out loud.

I have decided that I am going to pick the longest lines from now on.  I will have no expectation that I will be served, or enter, or be greeted in any time soon.  I will just enjoy the wait.

Does it really matter, no.  If you said yes, I say, really?

I think being better at waiting in line will make me a better man.

Better Driving and Texting!

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Okay, I had my little rant the other day about High Visibility Safety Vests in Better with Hi-Viz and today I am going to sound like a traffic cop, but I really have had enough and here is the reason.

Beep, Beep….. oh sorry I have to stop writing to check what text I just received.

Not a problem it was from Scoopon about discount face creams from Argentina.

Where was I.  Well, I could have been talking to you in the street, getting served in a shop, having a quiet coffee with you just to catch up, out to dinner, or DRIVING! But texting was more important.

Okay as I said in Better thank Mrs Nesmith, we all make mistakes.  I have gone a little over the speed limit, changed lanes without indicating, perhaps even been a little late on a traffic light or even popped down to the end of the street before I realised I didn have my seat belt on.  But, these were a little bit of inattention (which incidentally is the real reason behind most car crashes) and I try my best not to do them again.  I actually bourght myself one of those traffic cameras which records all the time on a continuous loop so that I know Big Brother (Me) is always watching.  It has actually made me a calmer and better driver.  My mistakes are all now possible Adelaide Crap Driver videos, either from myself or others – the cameras are everywhere!

Beep, beep…. kids going to be late home from school. (Why are they texting at school?)

But, and I yell BUT!  Picking up your mobile phone, even if you are stopped at the traffic lights, and checking it or using it for whatever reason in a conscious choice each time you do it to: 1. Break the law and 2. Have all your attention on something else.  If you think it doesn’t matter when you are at the traffic lights then remembe when numerous times the car in front doesn’t move when the lights turn green and you note that the person appears to be looking in their lap.

Beep, beep…. just go a new Twitter comment

I know using mobile phones in cars was initially banned because people talking on their phone was dangerous.  Lets ramp that up a bit as most people doing it now days are ‘typing a short letter’ or ‘reading a short letter’.

I am sorry (well not really) but would you read a book of quotes as you drive along; each one is only a small snippet and you can glance down and get the general gist; plus if there were pictures next to each quote you could give them a quick glance.  Does that sound reasonable.  How about watching television while we drive along – I could fully concentrate during the ads!

Beep, Beep…. sorry just found out I can get a discount golf round in California

I just don’t get it.  I don’t do it, anymore.  About a year ago it suddenly dawned on me that this is one of the stupidest things I do in my life other than smoking, but that’s another story – don’t read my post Better Stop Smoking or Better (Still) Stop Smoking, perhaps get back to me next week on a new day one!  Which makes me think why all the uproar about smoking yet only a whimper about not concentrating while you a piloting a half tonne upwards weighing death machine.

Beep, Beep…. unbelievable a dancing cat in a spiderman outfit!

Shouldn’t the road toll be zero, yes zero.  I could never understand how the Goverment and Police were happy that we got the road toll under 100.  So we were happy that 99 people were killed and thought that was an acceptable loss for having transport and freedom of the roads.  What other thing would we say it is okay to randomly sacrifice 99 of our citizens to get something in return – what is worth a life.

Beep, Beep…. 

Sorry I just found out that my friends kid was killed in a car accident.

Beep, Beep….

Thank God they weren’t using a mobile phone when they crashed.

Only I was doing that to receive the message.

I do make mistakes.  I sometimes decide to do things I shouldn’t.  I have decided that I do not want my life to end in a car crash where I might take my wife and kids and someone else with me.  I did learn to drive more patiently as I describe in my post  Better Driving or Dancing and I did put in the camera as described in Better at Driving.

But, all my driving, all my attitudes when on the road, are choices I make.

Being a better man is also about being a better citizen; perhaps in the place where we meet the most strangers in our community, in dangerous circumstances, on the road.

PS:  I cant help being me, so when I see someone at the lights using their mobile phone or texting, I just beep my horn twice (Beep… Beep…) and when they look up I pretend it wasn’t me.  When they look down again, I do it again, and this sometimes may go on until the lights turn green.  Most often though it confuses them so much they put their phone down.  This would be a great viral activity, plus it is fun (so long as your wife is not in the car with you!)

Better at Scams

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I have seen a lot of people over the years get ripped off.  The funny thing is that on most occasions the person getting ripped off at one stage or another says “Yeah, it didn’t feel quite right, but…..”

I used to tell my follow workers and especially my kids – if it doesn’t feel right it probably isn’t.  I think our intuition is more reliable than we give it credit.

I think in modern society the definition of scam could be extended a fair bit to include a lot of things, like infomercials, telly marketers as well as the outright scam merchants.

Below I have included the email trail of someone who I just suspected was a scam artist.

Before I go onto that I thought I should mention that I actually love telly marketers.  My wife cringes when I answer or take her phone when they are calling.  Sorry, but I didn’t ask them to call, I don’t know them and they probably are trying to sell me something I didn’t ask for.  I have a few strategies.  The first two are from my father in law and the last which is from a youtube clip I listened to once.

“Hello is (your name) there?”

the answer is……

  1. Sorry he’s dead – they hang up.
  2. Sorry, he’s in gaol – they hang up.
  3. Say it is you and chat for ages going off on tangents until after it gets really confusing advise them you are (your name) senior and you must be looking for your son who manages all that for you – they hang up or ask when he will get home – talk for 10 minutes about your son and then tell them he is overseas and you are in respite – they hang up.
  4. Say it is you and sound really interested and book an appointment – finally tell them you have to make sure the TV room isn’t book and that you will get everyone there for their lecture in the Nursing Home – they hang up.
  5. If they are from an electricity company selling their new plan – talk over them saying you know you haven’t paid your bill and want to get it organised – even when they get the chance to explain why they called go straight back to telling them you will pay it tomorrow – yell at your partner/house mate in the background about losing the money on the pokies.  Even right at the end when you stop and listen to their sales pitch reply “Look I am really sorry but I can’t pay the bill at the moment, is there some sort of payment plan you can put me on” – they hang up.
  6. (My favourite) Ask how they know (Your Name) and tell them they have rung a crime scene and You have been murdered and start questioning them about how they know You – keep talking to CSI and the Detectives in the back ground including getting a trace on the phone – get them to tell you where they are and tell them to stay there as the local authorities are coming to get their statement – if they don’t hang up, you do!!!

So, have fun with that as I did and do.

I advertised a car for sale on Gum Tree the other day and as a result had the following initial text exchange and then email exchange. (I think it’s a scam!!)  Hope you like reading it as much as I enjoyed doing it.

 

On 26 Oct 2014, at 4:08 pm, Ian Wrote:
Veh is good condition all round. Price as advertised. Many enq.

On 26 Oct 2014, at 4:19 pm, mike joe <mrjoeisonline2@gmail.com> wrote:
Thanks for mailing back, am ok with the price and the condition,i work with New Zealand Oil and Gas (NZOG) and we are presently offshore in New Zealand Taranaki Basin on kupe project.We do not have access to phone at the moment,its 15days off and 15days on and that’s why I contacted you with internet messaging facility.Regarding the payment,i will be paying you through PayPal,please get back to me with your paypal details so i can process the payment,you can alternatively send your bsb and acct number if you have no PayPal acct.I have also contacted my courier who will come for pick up and deliver it to my place in Darwin after the whole fund has been cleared into your acct.  Await your reply

On 26 Oct 2014, at 5:14 pm, Ian wrote:
If you are going to buy the car unseen there are a few thing you need to know:

  1. It was previously used by my step son (who I am selling if for as he is in Gaol) in a series of armed robberies. It was a wanted vehicle but that has all been fixed up with the Police now.
  2. It used to belong to my mother in law and she unfortunately committed suicide in the car (she gassed herself with the exhaust so there is no mess) and that is how my step son inherited the car (which of course is how all the trouble started!) – I thought I should tell you as some people are superstitious!
  3. The stereo although very good with the sub woofer in the back is stuck on a country and western station – we don’t mind this as we are avid line dancers, but some people just don’t like country and western.
  4. I would prefer if you could transfer the money in Rand (do you know when they stopped calling it Krugerrand because I thought that was really cool in the Lethal Weapon movies when they all fell on the deck – remember that diplomatic immunity line!!!)  as we are thinking of traveling to South Africa next year and this would really help in us saving the money and avoiding tax.

I hope work is going okay, I know what it is like to work remotely in mining as I once had to dig a hole at Mount Lofty.  Let me know what you think about the deal. I have had an offer for $2500 as two guys came to see the car today and started arguing with each other, I had to call the Police as they started fighting, one called back and said he would pay $2500 but said he couldn’t come up with the money until her did a job on Monday. He said it was a good bank job. I am not sure if I trust him like I do you, a fellow miner!
Hope this works out.

On 26 Oct 2014, at 5:20 pm, mike joe <mrjoeisonline2@gmail.com> wrote:
Alright thanks for your response and been honest, you can get back to me with your bank details so i can make the payment asap, and once the money is cleared into your bank account my agent will be coming with all necessary document and will also sign the paper works on my behalf.

(Glad my honesty in acknowledged and that he actually replied – I was getting suspicious at this stage….)

On 26 Oct 2014, at 6:57 pm, Ian wrote:
Sounds good.
The car will be ready on Tuesday as I have to use it on Monday in a reenactment of the Redex Rally in far North Queensland.  I will make sure all the Esso decals are removed by then.
Can you name a place to meet as I am currently in the witness protection program and my address is a matter of national security.
I don’t have a pay pal account but can you suggest a name I could use to set it up?
Can you send cash or have your courier bring it. I could leave the keys under a nominated pot plant in the front yard and he could just leave the money and take the car. It’s just that I might be out as during the week I sky dive a lot. Plus, I trust a fellow miner!
I also have a manikin’s hand for sale, which also belonged to my son (he doesn’t need it as he says people where he is have there hands all over him – do you know what felching is?)
I trust you, is the cash idea okay?
Your friend in Australia!!!!!

(I thought the above might have been a bit much, but what the hell lets see how far he’ll go.  When he didn’t reply, I just couldn’t let it go…)

On 27 Oct 2014, at 1:06 pm, Ian Schlein Gmail <ianschlein@gmail.com> wrote:
Hey Joe,  I cancelled the trip for today with the car.  Are you still interested.  That guy keeps ringing offering $2500 but he rings reverse charges and the last time he called he said it was his one phone call and could I lend him money!  I have decided as I trust you, to reduce the cost to $2000 as I have messed you around a bit.
I am really desperate now as the dialysis machine for my wife broke down and I am having to pump it by hand (that’s why my typing is a bit bad as I have to use one hand to type and pump with the other…. sorry!)
Get back to me as fast as possible!!!!
PS: I don’t think I mentioned the problem with decontamination after the meningococcal out break at the burnout competition I took the car to last week, but that’s not a problem now.
PPS:  Apologies but I sold the hand.

(You wont believe this but he replied!!!! – Maybe he was glad I didn’t go on the rally!!)

On 27 Oct 2014, at 1:29 pm, mike joe <mrjoeisonline2@gmail.com> wrote:
am still interested

On 27 Oct 2014, at 5:00 pm, Ian wrote:
Great!
The guy who offered me $2500 came around today and I had to call the Police again!!
I told them about selling the car to you and they said it could be a scam!   I don’t think so as you are a fellow miner like me!!!  I know it gets lonely mining, I had a special sock, it helps.
I can get the deal done now as my wife is getting better: our son got out for the day and he is taking care of the pumping.
The problem is my son came home with a bag of cash that he said was his ‘cut.’ He asked me to take care of it. As you are off shore could I leave it in your account. You can then send me half of the money as payment for the car and you can keep the rest.  Of course the sale price will have to go up hundreds of percent so it isn’t suspicious to the authorities for tax purposes. That way the money will be clean!!!!
It is a LOT of money… $$$$$$$$
Of course you still get the car.
What do you think?

 

(I’ll let you know if he replies again, I just had to share this now as it was getting too good – feel free to send him emails!!!)

Better ask are you okay?

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I love the campaign at the moment titled
R U OK about having conversations that count.  But, do we notice the conversations that ‘don’t count.’  These conversations are the many and often automatic, like:

Good morning how are you?

How many times do we say this (of course change morning to afternoon or evening) and we are horrified when someone actually tells us!  I changed my greeting in recent times to just  “Good Morning” because I really didn’t want to hear how they were.

In yesterdays post I mentioned John Lennon’s quote about life getting in the way while you are making other plans, and I suppose part of that is other peoples problems getting in the way of my problems when mine are more important!

I am a great advocate of more ‘warriors’ and less ‘victims’ but maybe, some days, you are neither and just need to be validated for being alive.

I am already getting annoyed by the sound of this post as I am sounding like a ‘victim wannabe.’  What I really want to say is there is talking, communicating and connecting.

I am sick of so much talking.  Communicating has it’s place in passing on information for a variety of reasons.  But, what about connecting. What about creating and then maintaining that connection.  I don’t want to get into the realm of shit canning social media and the connected versus unconnected nature of todays electronic interactions.  What I want to do is get into the realm of not asking a question you don’t give a shit about the answer to.  I also want to get into the realm of having a conversation, that makes a connection that is valid.

I think I started this train of thought in Better Wife when I talked about treating someone not how you should be treated, or tolerate being treated, but, treating them in a way that is just for them.

I think this is applicable in every aspect of your life.  I think this is something that you have to think about all the time while life is getting in the way.  If it is just for them:

How do I treat the guy at the servo
How do I treat the telly marketer
How do I treat the bloke who just cut me off
How do I treat the boss
How do I treat people who may work for me
How do I treat the person who is really different to me

I suppose I can’t know how to ‘connect’ with some of these people as it is in these moments when I am in a hurry, I am angry, I am insecure, I don’t notice them, I am afraid, or worried, or scared… and those feelings many not even be about them.

I think I will make a big step.

I have my new greeting.

“Good morning (afternoon, evening), is there anything I can do for you.”

Better an appreciative question

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“What can I do with my life”

I was thinking about this question.  It was just sitting there on a blank page.

It only requires an answer if you think about the question.  But, when you think about it you have to start deciding what it means.  Is it a rhetorical question, is it a moot point as you are already there, is it only for the young, is it something that you think you have contemplated before but, when you really think about it you haven’t.

So, do you think about this question because you want to or because you have to.

I read an article a while back about a nurse who worked with people who were dying and came up with the “Top 5 Regrets People Have on Their Deathbeds.”  I thought it was sad that you had to be dying before you asked the question what can I do with my life?  I wrote in my post Better Dead that we only have one certainty in life, and that is death, yet we live our lives in apparent obliviousness to this fact.

It is pretty obvious from my blog that I think about the purpose and direction of life a fair bit.  There are thousands (maybe millions) of ‘self help’ solutions in books, on the internet and from just about everybody you meet; but, I think it is really about who you are and what you want.

I came up with the little2014 - Appreciative Enquiry diagram which I think makes a good starting point for asking the question what can I do with my life.  These three questions are ones that you think are only asked by the mystics sitting in a temple somewhere in the mountains, preferably in the lotus position.  But, really aren’t they what life is about; aren’t not asking these questions what makes the regrets on the deathbed.  Also aren’t they great thoughts to have in making decisions about what can I do with my life.

Just try it, ask yourself those questions:

What am I deeply passionate about.

I think passion is what drives us most and we are often working against our passions, which could translate into against our values, in doing what we don’t believe in.

What can I be great at.

I love this question because it is not asking you what you ARE good at, or what in your last work performance appraisal you boss said you reached standards for, but what you can be GREAT at.  This is also a question that I ask my friends often while having a beer, sitting around after the BBQ or at the dinner table.  I ask them if you could be anything, have the job of your dreams, without consideration of money, what would you do.  The sad part aout asking this question is that a lot, and I mean a lot, of people say, I don’t know.  I find this hard to believe that you can live you life not knowing what it is, if you could do anything, that you would do.  Then again, they probably never asked themselves the question.

What drives and provides for me.

This is such a great question after reading and thinking about the above.  Oh, yeah I can be whatever I want now I have to think about how I will manage to follow my dream and actually be able to eat at the same time!Wow What a Ride  Let’s face it, we live in a great country and nobody starves to death and even the most unfortunate of us can have a pretty good life.  So, that question about providing for me is really about what you can tolerate AND if it drives you then perhaps you can tolerate a lot.  Just think about those driven to aid work, who live in the worst places on earth with only those that are there because they have to be; think about the adventurer who saves everything and spends it on that next adventure; think of the writer or painter who lives in solitude and often borderline poverty to complete the masterpiece; think of the Mum’s everywhere who give their all to their children; think of the children who leave their Mum’s to travel the world.  I think in asking this question you balance the drive with the ability to survive – and perhaps that drive may even put that survival at risk – but it may just be worth it.

So, now we are getting serious about what can I do with my life.  It may or may not be about adventure.  To some it may be about being peaceful, fulfilled, spiritual, rich, powerful… this list goes on, but it is a list that YOU have to choose from.

It’s always great doiExploring the Inner Self - Yogang that searching the inner self thing – often it is laughable as the minute you make a decision to go out and grab that future, life gets in the way!  John Lennon probably summed it up in his quote “Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans.”

I also think that you can’t look at your life, especially a review of your life as a ‘problem solving exercise.’ so much of our time is spent on trying to ‘fix’ stuff.  That always trying to fix stuff gets in the way of doing the stuff we are good at.  Yeah, I know there are lots of managements tools like a SWOT analysis (Strengths, Weaknesses, Opportunities and Threats – don’t you just hate this management gobbledigook shit!) etc etc, but what about looking at things in the positive.  You don’t hide from the negative, or in modern speak, the challenges, you just don’t let them rule.

Try this in conjunction with the above (it helps if you are actually in the lotus position, facing the rising sun, in some sort of loose fitting robe, preferably orange….):

  • What is your DREAM – what really could be in my life – do I have a vision
  • What is here already I need to DISCOVER – what is in my life now; what dont I appreciate already.
  • What is my DESIGN to reach my DREAM – what is the way it should be – how am I going to put it all together
  • I am going to work on being able to DELIVER my DESIGN for my DREAM – how do I sustain the implementation of my design – what should I be doing now – do it!

For those of you who recognise the above it is called ‘appreciative enquiry.’  I love it as I am sick of the wallowing in the poor me syndrome – appreciative enquiry is about taking the best and making it the fuel for your dream.

Coming up with a plan is often as hard as deciding that dream as I mentioned before when asking people if they could be anything what would they be?  It is so often something that people have not considered.  It is also something that a lot of people do not think, let alone believe, is their choice.  In our business we (my wife and I) sat down and decided that we needed to have our dream for our business before we had a logo, ABN or office space.  It was pretty hard as we had to actually decide why we were doing it. (If you are interested in our Strategic Plan it is on our Facebook page – click here to go there).

Working out your DREAM, your vision, is the most important thing.  Living life on auto pilot I think leads to those 5 death bed regrets.

So I have my DREAM / VISION for me, what next.

Well, how about a cunning plan.

Often easier said than done. Just about no one is capable of telling you how they plan; well not easily and quickly, or without meetings and committees, or a few hundred documents and the ability to turn all good ideas into the realm of too hard and this is not what I imagined it would look like. Remember, you already know what it will look like so if it isn’t going that way stop.  Below I have included the model I use which is simple to remember.  Use it for all the stuff that you plan. Most people don’t think about how they plan and you often hear them say, I don’t know how I do it, I just do – which incidentally works out just fine most of the time, until someone loses an eye!  Or, like now, you are trying to come up with a plan and you get….. blank!

Try this (see diagram).  It is easy to remember as it turns (as King Midas of Greek mythology did) everything into gold!  Screen Shot 2014-10-23 at 3.35.55 pm

Relate it to your positive, appreciative ideas.  Your MISSION – Your DREAM.  Your INFORMATION is your DISCOVERY. Your OPTIONS and your development of them is your DESIGN – Put the sublime to the ridiculous in your list!  Do your ANALYSIS and fine tune your DESIGN.  Now, SELECT YOUR OPTION and DELIVER on it.

Yes, yes, I know there a thousand things to consider, but remember this is positive not about how deep the shit is and the fact that you live in a valley.  Write things down, doodle, squiggle and work the appreciation of “What can I do with my life”

Okay, this sounds simple, well maybe not. But, its a start.  I did it and did it again and no doubt will do it again.  A good time to start is now, today.

This may not sound true, but I went out half way through typing this post and was chatting to a friend about ‘stuff’ when they said ‘tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow’ when I said I had almost finished a job that had been hanging over my head for some time.  They explained, and I looked it up and thought I would finish this post with it (it’s not too heavy, trust me, read it slow and then read it again; a good interpretation can be found here).

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow

Macbeth:

To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow,
Creeps in this petty pace from day to day,
To the last syllable of recorded time;
And all our yesterdays have lighted fools
The way to dusty death. Out, out, brief candle!
Life’s but a walking shadow, a poor player,
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage,
And then is heard no more. It is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing.

Macbeth Act 5, scene 5, 19–28

 

Better Wife

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The other day a mate posted the following fairy tale on Facebook:

I replied that I still did all these things and them made a comment about the availability of sexual encounters in the married world versus the single world.

I wrote this post sitting on the lounge one evening chuckling to myself as I often do when making Facebook posts.  My wife asked me if I was deleting all my friends again or making new enemies (she has counselled me many times about drinking and texting and/or FaceBooking – and especially blogging!)

I have to tell you that I am probably one of the luckies men in the world.  My wife and I were childhood sweethearts, the product of our parents being life long friends.  We had our first encounter in my ‘fort’ (I think the politically correct non-gender name is cubby house).  We met after experiencing our lives with others in a chance encounter walking down the street about 30 years after that first fumbly kiss. It then seemed like overnight, we were going out, moved in together, bought a house and got married.

Just for information of the doubters that romance is dead in later life, I did propose on the Eiffel Tower and presented a ring that I had made and carried fearfully in a back pack (my then wife to be was perplexed by the back pack as I had complained so many times about how I thought carrying one was a pain in the arse) all the way from Australia.  And if your asking, I did speak to her father first, more as a courtesy: he did ask if I was asking permission and I said not I was telling him.

Both my wife and I had our share of dud, bad and mad relationships before we met.  To quote Dr Gordon Livingston in “Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart: Thirty True Things You Need to Know Now, a second (or third!) marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

And that’s exactly what we are.

However….  our marriage is not a fairy tale of romantic walks along the beach and moonlit dinners.  We both wanted this to work more than anything and wanted it to be better than our past ‘things’.  We both had the same ideas about a few things but even some of these important things only came out over the last 7 years we have been together, some recently.  But, there were a few fundamental things I believe we both have in common:

– We love each other and tell each other often.
– We celebrate our past and learn from it.
– We tell the truth.
– We put the other first.
– We kiss each other hello and goodbye, every time.
– We let the other be themselves, and sometimes when that is not okay, it is okay.

This list is probably endless but I read an article the other day where a young man was about to get married and his father said “Marriage isn’t for you.”  You probably guessed it already that marriage is really not for you, it is all about your partner.  If you are not happy because they are happy, and if you are not a main contributor to that happiness, then perhaps marriage is for you; and that will be why you end up with you.

This post is called ‘Better Wife’ but really it should be better husband.  I think trying to be a better man is about being a better husband.  Perhaps not being the best that you can be, but actually being better than you ever thought you could be.

I have my bad days.  I am sometimes not so good a husband. But, before you can be better, you have to actually notice what you are now.

I think the worlds shortest fairy tale is “Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl to marry him and she said, no, I want to marry you.”

 

Better at Writing Letters

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I have been a letter writer for most of my life, and still am.

1970 - Letter Card - No Address

A ‘Letter Card’ received from my teacher in Berri in 1970 – I was 9 years old.

I think this initially happened because we moved from the city to the country when I was in primary school and I kept in touch with school friends via letter.  I then moved back to the city for work and wrote letters to my Mum and Dad most weeks – well I really had no choice as they didn’t have a telephone until I was 16 (I still remember that if it was really urgent we would ring Mrs Gertig next door who seemed terribly sophisticated with an old black bakelite phone.  Mrs Gertig would very graciously get Mum or Dad or return to take a message if they weren’t home).

There is lots of discussion of late of how the changes and advances in technology are redefining our social interaction, especially in the lives of our children.  Which reminds me, I really don’t get the Facebook and other posts where it starts “Are you a child of the 50’s, 60’s and remember when you….’  which usually finishes off with something about the kids of today not doing that anymore.  This sort of post always troubles me in that aren’t you talking about your kids; which to me would mean that the reason they don’t do it is because you didn’t let them…. always confuses me.  Plus drinking out of the hose wasn’t always that great from my memory – plus, I don’t do it now!?

Anyway my post is not about lamenting what others don’t do but what I do and love to do.

I love writing letters.  I know it shouldn’t seem different between writing and sending an email or sitting down with a pen and paper and writing a ‘hard copy’ letter, but, somehow it just does.  For me it is the flow of my words, in cursive,  straight from my brain to the paper, no backspace, just me and a blank page to fill with words that might mean something.  It is also me imagining, as I am writing, the other person sitting there and reading it – even perhaps ‘saving’ the letter to read at a time when they can enjoy it the most.

Letters are also like time capsules.  I have kept just about every card and letter anyone has ever sent me (Yes, OCD is something I do not deny!)  Just the other day I had a phone call from an old friend and after a great chat I went and pulled out all their old letters.

Suddenly thoughts, feelings and even events that I had not considered for years (or in some cases even remembered happening) came back as if they were yesterday.  So, I sat down and wrote them a letter saying how glad I was for the phone call, and mostly for the friendship and contact (even though sometimes it was not for years) over such a large and varied history of our lives.  And, some of that history was captured in those letters which we wrote when we were young, priorities were different and we wanted to share it in our own words and handwriting.

I have been reading a couple of books lately about letter writing.  In both they often make the reference to the ‘lost art’ of letter writing.  I probably have to disagree a bit as I think it is more like the evolving art of letter writing.  I may not agree with that evolution but I think it is there, with perhaps there still being some hope in saving the heart of letters in an electronic age.

I think I have noticed this most in that even though I still write letters to my kids they don’t write back but when I see them they say “Oh, yeah, thanks for that…”   I have tried the ‘Facebook In-Box Letter’ but anything over 3 lines is skimmed over (a good trick with this one is to make it really long and somewhere in the text promise them money if they ring before a certain time – haven’t had to pay yet, even though they know I do it!)

So this doesn’t sound all that good for my advocation of letter writing and its evolution into something that is equal to the good old days.  But, I had written a letter to my daughter a while back when she was having a bit of a hard time.  I told her some good old fashion ‘parent sage’ advice and said that I was proud and loved her no matter what.  I didn’t ask her if she received the letter, I didn’t think I could stand an “Oh, yeah, thanks for that….” regarding something I had laboured over and put a little bit of my heart into.  Several months later on one of those rare moments when you actually connect with your kids, she took the cover off of her phone and showed me the letter which she had been carrying around with her since she received it.  She said that it helped her remember what was important. (Secret Dad misty moment….)

I also write my Mum who is in a nursing home a letter at least once a fortnight.  As I visit her every weekend, subject matter is often on short supply, so I recount times from the past or enclose old family photos.  I typed (that means wrote it on the computer and printed it) her a letter one week and she told me she liked my handwriting and typing didn’t feel like it was from me.  My kids tell me not to use cursive as they can’t read it!

I  suppose my letters may go unanswered but they will always remain snap shots in time for the recipient.  Plus, when I think about it I don’t write the letter to get a reply.  It is not a quid-pro-quo arrangement I have with any recipient. It is often not the content of the letter but that I took the time to sit down and write something that matters; or perhaps that doesn’t matter.  So often it is not what we say or do, but how we make someone feel that is important.  I think we all could agree that we cannot remember all the kind or cruel acts perpetrated against or for us, but we can always remember the feelings.  It is sometimes nice to have something tangible, like a note or a card while going through this lamentation.

I don’t think I have an magic formula for writing letters and after reading those couple of books on letter writing I am more convinced there is no formula.  If you have to go through a check list to write a letter than perhaps an email will do.  It is like what I call management 101, which is practiced by so many new (and often inappropriately) promoted managers….  say good morning, ask a personal question, tell them they are doing a good job, ask if you can provide anything… walk away, do the same to next employee…. walk to office… forget all previous conversations as you have a meeting to go to….

I think, while I can, I will always take the time to sit down and write that letter.  It is also often a time to sit down and write things for yourself;  nothing makes you feel so good as writing a thank you note; penning half a page sharing good new; a quick note enclosing a real photo is an intimate sharing of self; saying I love you feels just as good to write as read; I am proud of you lasts beyond the moment of that graduation when recorded for all time in a handwritten card; I am sad with you and for you is really shared when you hold the sentiment in a small card from a friend…..

Finally, I think my blog is a form of open letter to people who I think matter.

Better at Leaving

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I was talking to a friend the other day about leaving a situation behind and how if you don’t do it clean it will always come back to haunt you.  We were talking about relationships and as we were talking I kept thinking about work situations.

I also has to confess to them that I was smoking again and it was because I hadn’t left clean – I thought just one more time for old times sake, as a bit of a celebration of going 5 months without a cigarette…..  Yes, well that didn’t work out so well.  The break has to be clean and forever.

But, with smoking I came up with reasons for myself that were, and still are valid; but somehow emotionally they had not become a part of me, but just something I was doing for the time being.  (You can read about them in Better Stop Smoking).

I told my friend about my failed attempt (about my 10th) and said that I had not broken clean and remembered why I had left smoking behind – I think these sort of things are things that we have to remind ourselves of daily.

2014-0-10-10 Stay or Go Sign

Stay or Go

Also the reasons for leaving anything have to be valid for them to be maintained.  Nothing worse than discovering later that your reasons for doing something were as invalid as the doing in the first place and possibly caused more damage than the original behaviour; although this may not completely apply to smoking – any reason to give up smoking I think is valid!

So the questions about staying or going or leaving something are a good start to deciding that choice AND if it is the right choice.  Try these:

Is this all just a bad fit for me.
I am a great believer is saying if it doesn’t feel right it probably isn’t.  I always wonder a people saying ‘it didn’t feel right, but…..’

The people you are with have written you off
I think this follows on from the above in that you can usually feel this.  It is like the kids 18th Birthday – they don’t want you there.  In addition it may not be intuition it may be that they have told you!

I’ve written off this mob
It is often something we do, but hang around anyway.  It is also one of those situations that if it is accompanied by the one above, to use today vernacular…. awkward!

I’m treading water
Nothing more to learn here and it can often feel as if hanging around is actually making you dumber.

Nothing to see here
I’m looking around, trying my best, but, really, there is nothing about this that I really like.  Tolerance is not enough – see above about being written of and writing them off.

It makes me sick
And I mean literally.  The thing about this is it often makes those around you feel sick as well – dragging everybody else down, especially friends and loved ones is just sharing your pain.

Had a good day today – so!
I have a saying about doing worthwhile work.  If you can’t see anything worthwhile in what you are doing, and from what you understand nobody else appears to be able to either – Bye!

Is it toxic
I suppose it is something we often don’t notice until we realise I hate them, they hate me, it is shit, it’s making me sick and really, what the fuck was I thinking (this really applies to smoking!)

A few years ago I was in a situation that fulfilled all of the above requirements but was there for years.  I read a book called “Who Moved My Cheese” by Dr Spencer Johnson.  It is a book about a quite (pardon the pun) cheesy story about two little men and two mice. I read this book and decided that ‘they’ (I love the spooky, scary, responsible and nameless group who fuck up our lives called – ‘They’) were no longer responsible for how I feel – bearing in mind that at the exact time that I realise this I realised that ‘they’ didn’t think that they ever were.  This had been a long term thing, 11 years and it had taken me about 11 minutes to read the book and I was completely gone and never looked back 11 days later.  As a matter of fact, in the above situation the last time I walked away after not packing my baggage but throwing it away I actually (really and literally) cheered and laughed!

As you may have read on my quotes page one of my favourite quotes is the definition of insanity, which is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.  I think it is also insane to be doing the same thing over and over again and not noticing.

I have mostly written about going, but I am sure, in the future I will write about staying – it’s just today I realised that leaving things behind often needs that bridge burnt not only to stop you going back but also to stop them following you – in some cases figuratively and others literally!

I know sometimes we have to live with things (like kids!) and sometimes it is hard to walk away.  But, if you decide to walk, and you have decided for all the right reasons, never look back ever – NEVER take one more puff from that cigarette.

Also when you walk away often you walk towards what you have always been looking for.  For me part of being a better man is knowing that where I am now, being with the people that add to my life is because sometimes in the past I had to leave things behind.  Sometimes that leaving was walking away, sometimes running and for the most part it was about getting them out of my head.

I have not doubt if I had not, today I would not be sitting here in our home looking forward to where we are going next, as opposed to lamenting where I have been.

 

Better Authority, Responsibility and Concern.

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I wrote Better at War the other day and made reference to my circles of authority, responsibility and concern – I actually made reference to this post which at that time I had not done – so here it is!

It all came about as I am a bit sick of being responsible for things I have not authority over, but mainly I am worried about my level of concern for those same things.

Often the size of my ‘circles’ of authority, responsibility and concern are something that is thrust upon me and not something I choose.  Well, I asked myself a while ago, why can’t I choose?

A few years ago I drew the below chart (the top figure) to explain how I felt at work, and often felt about my private life, and even sometimes about the world!

I decided to redraw my chart (the bottom figure) to align with how my life should be in all aspects. The thing is, that my circle of concern grows to exponential proportions on some days and shrinks to a dot on others. I think this is okay so long as my circles of authority and responsibility stay aligned.

I also think accepting responsibility is different to having it thrust upon you. Often when this happens it feels like someone is looking for a ‘fall guy’.  I also think that under no circumstance should you accept any responsibility for anything you don’t have authority over.

All this sounds pretty mandatory and stinks of complete abrogation of responsibility for what might be happening in my life, my community, my country and in fact my world.

But, and there is a big BUT here, I found that by not worrying so much about the things I wasn’t responsible for, or had authority over, my life got a whole lot less complicated; well in my head anyway.

I know we are supposed to look after those that can’t look after themselves as I stated as being one of the attributes of a man in my post What is being a Man; but we also have to look after ourselves a bit as well.  You cant help somebody else if you can’t help yourself.  I also found that by worrying less my whole outlook on things got a bit…. calmer.

I wrote about this feeling of responsibility and the regret for not being able to fix some of the things that are bad in our world in Better a Racist and Better Hatred or Hated but reckon these feelings are often thrust upon us, often by ourselves.  I have no doubt that the media are responsible for a great deal of this 21st Century guilt and our need as the ‘first world’ to fix everyone else’s problems.  I suppose this ‘first world guilt’ is like being a parent, you want to fix everything for your kids, and like a parent, it takes a while to realise you can’t.  This realisation also has to stop us, even if it’s only in our heads, to stop being a global parent.

I am not advocating ‘giving up’ however I am advocating looking at it from a different perspective.  Perhaps even like in the parent, child analogy above.  Being concerned about everything, and trying to control everything is where you can lose yourself.  I think this means that you let go of anger, which often comes through perceived helplessness and start to think along the lines of, I will do what I can, with what I have and that is, really all I can do.  Perhaps most of the time that is enough.  Bearing in mind that this is very different for everyone of us.  Some of us on our good days can’t do very much and others, who always seem to have good days, choose not to.  Again it is about choice.

Also, concern is not action.  I can be concerned about something as much as I want to, irrespective on my ability to change it, however, this concern is wasted if I am not concerned enough to actually do something about it.  To a certain extent this then just becomes whinging and having a bitch at the pub about how everything is so fucked and why doesn’t somebody do something about it – hey, it’s your shout!

Concern also often manifests itself in the form of control.  If we are concerned about something we often feel as above, helpless, or in some instances where we have some influence we must gain control in an attempt to pacify our concern.  Unfortunately this can then become the driving force of our interactions with everyone in that to circumvent concern we must always have control.  I think this is how the disease of ‘micro-management’ is caught.  Control to immunise ourselves against concern.  This is most definitely the case in the parent trap of attempting to fix things for our kids before they even happen.  I think the only good that comes from that is that we get a lot of people (and our kids) who stop being concerned about anything and wait for it to be fixed by the magic someone.

I suppose the best analogy of being concerned within your authority and responsibility is that a while ago I drew it to the attention of someone at work that something could go horribly wrong with a project they were working on.  They came and saw me (as I was sure I had told them about my concerns in writing) and said “What are we going to do about this”.  My reply was that I had already done it.  There was this moment where I could see the bewilderment in their face.  I had the above chart on my office wall and pointed it out to them.  The look of bewilderment continued.  I said I was concerned about what was happening and as a matter of professional courtesy drew it to their attention (which I didn’t have to) and for me, sorry, but that was it from me.  They left, I have no doubt a bit disappointed and bewildered that I was not going to fix their problem.   To a certain extent I did feel the need to step in and fix things, but realised that by doing that I was thrusting the ‘fall guy’ position on myself and catching a good dose of ‘micro-management’.

So here I am, concerned to the point of my authority and accepting no responsibility beyond that.  It definitely feels calmer, but does it feel as fulfilling as always striving to make the world a better place.  Well in today speak “Yes, No, but…..”

I suspect the guilt of not doing something has to be tolerated so that when we really have to do something we don’t have to do everything.

I think it is a part of us to want to make the world a better place.  I also think we sometimes just get a bit lost in the enormity of it all and with most things when we feel as if something it too hard, we do nothing.

I don’t think it is about changing the things we can change and accepting the things we cannot, or even knowing the difference.  I think the wisdom is in never giving up hope and that like the six-percenters, things will change when it is the right time.

All we have to do is each day is be a little bit better at being better, and keep our circles aligned.