I have spent a few days considering writing a post. I still have a lot of poems to share (groan I hear!) but think by posting one today I would be losing half my audience, and then you would be sitting there reading this all alone!
I am pretty sure my “Better Man Project” is dead. I think constant improvement is often used as an excuse for not being the best you can today; it was certainly an excuse I used.
In addition my daily Mantras have not given me the guidance they were supposed to. I was always going to follow all of them… tomorrow, and just do the best I can today, instead of being my best every day; I think there is a difference.
Those of you (well both of you) who read my blog, may have suspected I was insane; and no doubt feel vindicated after my recent stay in the Rural and Remote Ward at Glenside Hospital. But, to me this was not the greatest indicator; it was my obliviousness to the fact that I was living my favourite quote from Albert Einstein.
As we all know, me more than some I would suggest, is that the insane person does not actually know they are insane. This was me.
I wrote blogs about Mantras and Being a Better Man; but, I was not improving, but just justifying the way I viewed the world and interacted with it.
I was rarely, the best I could be each day; which could have translated with a little effort and dedication into everyday.
I so often could not control what was happening to my life. I can only control how I react to it – this was more of a revelation than any Mantra or personal improvement process. I have always had excuses for the reactions to things in my life; I see now I was mostly wrong. Rest easy I now accept this.
In accepting this I worked on a little theory of how I felt about myself and my past action:
Guilt is awareness that our actions have injured someone else.
Shame is how we feel about ourselves.
I have a lot of regrets; but little shame. I am incredibly embarrassed and regretful for many things I have done and a lot of the things I have said.
My greatest, latest, all in living colour and 3D stereo sound revelation is that I historically have not been me; the true me. I have been sold, and resold, solidified and worshiped the gods of power, anger, consumerism and possessions (No, you can’t have all my stuff for free; I said realisation, not I am becoming a monk!)
A mate recently started calling me by my birth name and he said I was dead. He said:
We all loved the 70% of our mate who was loyal, generous, smart and helpful, but the other 30% would take our heads off, rip our hearts out and destroy with a word…
There was plenty of regret in my heart plus real admiration that he had the courage to tell me. I must admit when he told me the 30% he identified, it felt like 99% of what I mostly felt; I was lucky as I think I faked about three quarters of the 70% he actually liked!
So why did he tell me? We have spent a bit of time with each other lately and he said he didn’t see any of the 30% – okay, lets call it what is; he didn’t see; an angry, controlling, abusive, malicious, self centred prick!
Why?
Because I almost died.
Because the love of my life left.
and… I broke.
The first two, precipitated the last one; the first two were a realisation that all was not good in my view of life. I actually cringed at what my epitaph may have been if I had died and shake my head at how I treated love.
The breaking was the making.
Now I am here with all the pieces, but, I am lucky and grateful that I am still here. I am lucky and grateful for the love I had – and live in hope for.
I live one day at a time. I still have food in the fridge and pay my bills but mentally I am just in this day. I have hope and realise the world is not all about me.
Right, so what? Well fantastic that I am all better today, but there will be a tomorrow.
I am still on my trek. And it is a trek which I have just started. Up until recently I have been going through life as a ‘journey’. I may actually say I was on a ‘cruise’ with occassional fact finding missions into consumerism, power and surveying the battle grounds of my self justified victories!
These ‘journeys’ through life; the constant excitement of smashing down the rapids in my rubber raft driven by barely qualified guides and being with all the other tourists who pay for cheap excitement and gratification. These were my journeys in life, but now I am on a trek.
What does this trek entail that differentiates it from my life journeys to this point?
- I have a lot of baggage that I have to carry (I do so gladdly but have packed them better)
- There will be deep valleys (some like ‘the valley of the shadow of death” in the Bible!)
- Highway men will constantly be trying to rob me (Read the Media, the merchants of misery; Advertisers and the Government!)
- There will be wonderful scenery if I bother to lift my head
- I will be with new and old travelling companions
- I have a destination
- I am determined to overcome all obstacles
- I am doing it for me
- I do it every day and don’t have days off
I now trek through life, some days the hills are steep, the wind is against me, it’s raining, and I am tired. On days like this I need only to take one step – that way I will always be going forward.
I don’t blame the weather, the steep hills or dark valleys or bad travelling companions for my progress, for it is my trek.
Each day I will choose how I see the next step; and I will take it.