Better Fatties on a Plane

Posted on 08/11/2016 by Ian

I am about to go on holiday for a couple of weeks to Bali with my wife.

We have decided that we will try ‘carry on’ only as we do travel rather fugally in the way we eat, what we spend, the sights we see… so we though let’s see if we can go away for two weeks with just carry on luggage.

We have done our research and understand that the allowance for carry on is 7 kilograms. screen-shot-2016-11-08-at-12-11-15-pm

Today I checked by carry on bag, which has all my clothes, my toiletries, my camera, my shoes and my laptop…. it weighed 8.5 kilograms. I started to angst about what to do!

I’ve decided that I’m going to do nothing – I am not going to unpack my little carry on and try and make the 7 kg limit. In the event that they weigh it and there are any problems I have the following reply….

“My wife weights 54 kgs, I weigh 79 kgs, between us we have under 20 kgs of luggage; that is an approximate total of 150 kg’s for both of us with our
luggage.”

I will then look around and indicate one of the hundreds of people I know will be checking in at the same time as us, and say…

“That person over there, just the person, not their luggage, weighs more than my wife and I combined with our luggage, and we are not counting the snacks they are going to eat before they get on the plane!”

If at this stage it isn’t looking good for me to shame the check-in clerk to turning a blind eye, I am going to go to the fattest person I can see booking onto our flight and ask them to eat, either me or my carry on bag (I understand I will probably have to pay for tomato sauce and a Diet Coke!).

I will then arrange for them to to shit me out (or my bag) in Bali, hopefully somewhere near our hotel!

If you are a little over weight and this offends you – can I suggest you don’t eat so many pies and cakes – especially washed down with a diet Coke!

Better at “the dialectic”

Posted on 25/04/2016 by Ian

Well it has been some time since I have been mad here. Screen Shot 2016-04-25 at 11.30.59

And it escalates. The YouTube channel is going well and I have decided that you can go against your nature. I have spoken about this a fair bit in other posts; talking about the Scorpion and the Frog and generally trying to find a way to be a better man while all the time fighting against ‘my nature’.

I have decided it is fight I am going to lose! I will lose, not because it is a battle that I cant win, not because using all my strategies is invalid, but because the one thing that continues to be my achilles heal will always trip me up, and that is – I am me.

But, it not a fight I am prepared to give up on.
Here comes in “The Dialectic”. Dialectic thinking is a pretty hard thing to explain – I tried once in a previous p ost and used my time in Bali as an example – bearing in mind philosophers have been arguing about it for years, sorry centuries! They can’t come up with a definitive answer so how am I. Well lets start off with a few of THEIR definitions and then I’ll get to how this is MY answer:

Dialectic thinking:

“a method of argument or exposition that systematically weighs contradiction, facts or ideas with a view to the resolution of their real or apparent contradictions”
(Fuck, that made my brain hurt!)

“The process of reconciliation of contradictions”
(That’s better – a bit like me.)

To me it is, allowing two contradictory ideas to exist at the same time.

Can I be the Scorpion and the Frog at the same time. Can I still be shitted off by most things and wanting to tell most people I meet to get fucked AND be a better man. Does one contradict the other so much that there can be no conciliation between the two. The philosophers seem to think so – I do not!

I am me, sometimes it is not a pretty sight, but I am also resolved to be a better man – a man who lives his values, his beliefs and his convictions. A man who is not wandering through life oblivious to my own existence. A man who thinks a person is better, bigger and more important that the latest LCD Internet connects 100 inch TV.

To me dialectic thinking is about being those contradictions.

Not living those contradictions in conflict but just living them; as a better man.

As someone once said to me, how will you know when you are the ‘better man’ or is it a continuous process that never finishes.

I thought about it for a moment and said “Fuck if I know, but I refuse to continue living as a robot”.

I hope that my new series of videos “The Dialectic” goes a bit of the way to changing ‘Fucked if I know” to “Fuck me, I get it!”

Better at Swimming in Shit

Posted on 19/02/2016 by Ian

I try very hard not to swear in my posts – but, those of you who know me will realise that swearing, to me is a way of punctuation that only swearing will fulfil (my wife says I use ‘fuck’ and ‘shit’ as filler sounds like other people l use ‘um’ and ‘ah’).

But, today my post has to be titled ‘swimming in shit’ because that is what I have noticed I am doing – shit is shit and that’s all there is to it – calling it ‘poo’ or ‘excrement’ is just not the same.

It is a bit of a shock to when you go down to the same old water hole for a quick dip, then after a few minutes of paddling around you see, a few syringes, a used condom, a pile of beer cans on the bank, the water is dirty and actually smells like shit; that you suddenly realise you are swimming in shit.

This has been my observation of my life over the last couple of weeks while I have been on ‘blog sabbatical’. If you read my post “Better Knowledge” you will get a bit of an idea that I have not been posting as I have been out and about and ‘looking at the world’; I have also been sucked into Youtube where I think I am a movie star – and people are actually listening!

Let me tell you I have been looking at it positively. If I come across angry people, I think “they may be angry for a good reason” so let it go: if I come across selfish people, I say “they must need this more than me”; if I get cut off driving, beeped at, given the bird or tailgated, I say ‘they must be in a hurry to something important’. I have been employing all the strategies in my post “Better dealing with Dickheads” and have had no conflict with dickheads or in fact everyone I meet or come across in my daily life (even the dickheads).

I am a fucking saint and love the fucking world and realise all this time I am swimming in shit – I just haven’t seen the turds floating about.

I do realise of course that most of the ‘turds’ don’t actually know they are ‘turds’ – read my post “Better Oblivious” or “Better off Oblivious” for why this is so. Perhaps I am the turd and don’t know it.

I am going about my life, dealing with dickheads and getting along. I am not oblivious; I am noticing the connections, noticing the people, noticing my great life, being happy….. and all the time I am swimming in shit!

What is this shit that I am swimming in. It is the stuff in our lives that we notice, but just get used too. It is the stuff we accept that is okay, it is the turds that we brush aside and say, “Oh, it’s just a little turd, not a problem.” But, get enough turds and you are swimming is shit.

What are these turds?

I am sorry but I just can’t get away from the biggest excrement creator in our society – the arse that sprays shit and turns all streams into torrents of turds – THE MEDIA – the ‘Merchants of Misery.’ They don’t just tell us about the turds they make them, they hand them out and ask us to polish them – they fill our daily lives with a deluge of dung and continuous diarrhea of brown smelling discontent.

These ‘merchants’ for they are merchants because all they do is sell; they have no conscience. They are the ‘Wolves of Wall Street’ in our lounge rooms, on the radio, filling the internet, plastered over every building, in our letter box (we call it junk mail for fuck sake!) and most of all polluting the minds of our children. They tell you that your are unhappy unless you buy, buy, buy; and, when you do buy, they tell you what you have bought is not good as you have to buy again to have the new stuff. If this is not bad enough they also tell you what to think!

They tell you what ‘news’ is; they tell you in a way that is not fact, it is not impartial, it has one goal, and that is to keep you watching so that you buy, buy, buy. All incidents are horrific, at catastrophe, a tragedy and then we get to here my favourite question after a death of a son, child, mother, father…… “Are you upset, how is the family coping?” – Are you fucking kidding me – no you are not, because we then answer as opposed to saying something like “Are you seriously asking me that question after my son, child, mother father was killed, maimed, injured, I lost their house, car etc etc etc….” We all play the game, we all want that (useless) 15 minutes of fame.

I read a survey the other day (can’t remember where, can’t find it on the internet – I’ll just pretend I’m a journalist and say from a ‘reliable source’) that said the percentage of people who would help someone else in trouble, had dropped, yet the percentage of people who would help someone else in trouble if they were being filmed had quadrupled. Everybody wants to be a fucking celebrity. (I am about to conduct a brief survey especially for this post – “One moment please”)

I typed into the Youtube search box “funny cats” and got 6,600,000 hits.
I typed in “PTSD” and got 333,000 hits – I gave it another go, this can’t be right….
I typed in “Post Traumatic Stress Disorder” and got 115,000 hits…..
I typed in “Police Post Traumatic Stress Disorder” ……. and got, 7,500 hits….
(PS: “Police Brutality” got 490,000 hits)

We are all fucked – we are all swimming in shit!

Better at Dealing with Dickheads

Posted on 02/09/2015 by Ian

I try to write my posts about profound and important things, you know, the stuff that fills our heads but often gets overlooked because life gets in the way.

Often, it is not life that gets in the way though, it is the people that seem to be from a different planet…. let’s call them ‘dickheads.’

I have spent my life dealing with dickheads and have even written a previous post about the ‘scientific name’ which is ‘6 percenters’ (Click here to my link about 6 percenters…. or just read on and you’ll get the point.)

Let’s get an analysis of your average dickhead; I’ll make it simple….

They just get in the way of having a normal day, with normal stuff and a reasonably pleasant journey through the stuff that fills our days. They are the people that either fuck up the line in the shop or fuck up our entire life… but, the thing is that they are just the same in all aspects of life. Mainly it is just the amount of damage they actually are allowed to create that is different.

I say ‘allowed to create’ as your average dickhead is not measuring their damage but just going about creating it, oblivious to the existence of the rest of us.

You can’t hate them (that just plays into their game). You can’t pity them because you hate them too much.

Lets again look at the average dickhead. We allow them to be a part of our life. That is the point. They want us to say ‘no’ when they ask a question so that they can argue with us; they want us to say ‘yes’ to a question (often a stupid question) so that they can feel empowered by our acquiescence to their stupidity. You are getting the point, at this point, aren’t you? You can not reason or negotiate with a dickhead – they are just a dickhead.

It is also important to realise that most dickheads can be identified immediately after you meet them – it is usually through an apology from the person that introduced them, who says “So-and-So is a bit different but you get used to them” – whoop whoop Dickhead alert! Do not make this parson your friend – even their friends cautioned you about being their friend – were you listening!

I myself may have fallen into this category in the past, but, I have the unfortunate position of now realising it. When this happens the only time you can be a dickhead is when you allow yourself to fall into the dickhead trap – which of course is not actually believing that you are a dickhead, when you are.

Screen Shot 2015-09-02 at 16.57.35 Example: the average dickhead will often have manipulated themselves into a position of authority . The reason this has happened is that everyone else thought that they were the only one that thought this person was a dickhead and didn’t want to speak out in the event that everyone else thought they were the dickhead. Hence the dickheads rule supreme because everyone else who is not a dickhead doesn’t want to be one. It is like the old catch 22 movie – in that you only realise you are a dickhead when you are not one, and if you are one you never realise you are.

Your average, in authority, dickhead, will often ask a question looking for an argument… they want you to say ‘no’. DO NOT FALL FOR THIS TRAP!!! In the event that a dickhead asks you to do something that is often very dickheadish in it’s totality, just say YES. Okay, I know this sounds stupid, but, just reflect for a moment the reason they asked the question in the first place, which of course was hoping that you would say ‘no’. By saying ‘yes’, this throws the dickhead modus operandi into complete chaos. They will often question you more about your positive response to what may even spark in them the realisation that what they are asking you is… well let’s face it… often just fucking stupid. The trick here is to stay the course… continue to agree and and say ‘yes’ to whatever absurdity they suggest or require of you. This will often lead to the situation where they will leave, empowered in dickheadologistical self assurance, thinking that you are about to get on with the ridiculous task or request they have just set.

Now, the real empowerment of dealing with dickheads comes to the fore. It is this. You just don’t do it. Yes, you said ‘yes’, and they believe you said ‘yes’ and that is what they heard. They leave thinking that this thing is to be done. …and, well you just don’t. The absolute glory of dealing with this situation is that in the event that they ever come back and ask you if you did this thing, you just say ‘yes’. If they have evidence that you didn’t do it, you just say sorry… they may yell at you and tell you to do it again… and of course you say ‘yes’, and of course you just don’t do it again. This circle of request, non action, enquiry, apology, request, no action…has a finite life. Why? Well, mainly because the average dickhead has too many things to be a dickhead about to worry about you.

Eventually they will not be getting the required amount of angst to drive their motor. They, in the end, don’t even go away angry… they just go away. This may sound too simplistic, but give it a try – of course if you are a dickhead, you will not even understand this and probably write a reply to this post complaining about the grammar or spelling… sorry about that, I will correct it in the second draft.

Okay; one dickhead dealt with – that is the authoritarian dickhead. What about the subordinate dickhead. Oh, the glory in this solution is beyond belief. You just ask them what they want. Don’t argue with them about what you want (bearing in mind if you do this you run the risk of you becoming a dickhead). Just ask in the simplest of terms what is it that they want. Of course this confused them, as it is their one task in life to upset anyone making a request of them… you may get any sort of reply from the outlandish to the immediate submission to your authority. Of course nothing they say makes any differenc Screen Shot 2015-09-02 at 15.52.53 e to your next tactic – just give them what they want. Sound absurd, but think about it. They are a dickhead and just want to keep asking you for things that you cannot give – so turn the tables on them and ask them what they want. When they request it, give it to them – dickhead problem solved as they have nothing to argue about. Of course most times it won’t get to this as merely asking them what they want will throw them into confusion as what they really want, deep down, it to shit you off and be a dickhead. Of course later on when it all turns to shit, you just blame them anyway as you used that magnificent get our of gaol free card… delegation.

Dealing with dickheads is only hard if you let them make it hard.

Although the dickhead tactic is to make it appear as if it is all about them, really it is all just about shitting you off and fucking up your day – DO NOT LET THIS HAPPEN! Follow the simple rules recapped below:

Say ‘yes’ to dickhead requests (remember they WANT you to say ‘no’ to argue)
Always ask a dickhead what they want and give it to them (this confuses them and will often end in them not doing anything, which is good as they then don’t fuck stuff up)
In the event point 1 and 2 fail – just walk away – say nothing, ignore their request to continue the conversation – walk away… slowly, if possible, very slowly; do not look back, do not engage with them. When you return at some time in the future (10 minutes to 4 hours is usually enough), pretend that it never happened. If they ask what happened just say you couldn’t stay any longer and leave it at that. They are confused as there was no confrontation. In the future when you start to turn away they will become afraid and do whatever you want.

Also remember dealing with dickheads should be fun. Never get angry as this is their fuel. Smiles and the ‘yes’ word are their enemies.

Finally, your average dickhead is only in your life for a short time. Eventually they go away and you get to tell great stories about how you dealt with them. I am certain that eventually all dickheads congregate together and just go to meetings (see my recommendations on dealing with meetings here).

Remember, NEVER play their game their way. If you do, you just become a dickhead.

Better at Telling Lies

Posted on 08/06/2015 by Ian

Screen Shot 2015-06-08 at 10.05.17 am Well I have been writing a lot of political and philosophical stuff in the last couple of posts (I even swore in a few and posted one of those on LinkedIn – oh, how naughty to actually print fuck!) and during that time I got to thinking what it must be like to be other people.

I often go on personal empathetic journeys, wondering ‘what would it be like to be….’

So here’s just a few that come to mind:

Bill Gates
My thoughts were – when you had more money than you could ever spend, what would be fun any more. Would it be fun to mess around in your shed, or does fixing the lawn mower get trumped by ‘how will I make my next billion.’ I think Bill walked away from it all and set up his foundation. Someone said he was trying to buy a Nobel Prize – which I think is fair enough as it is better than trying to buy ‘SnapChat’ – curing world hunger and disease beats a good selfie any day!

Tony Abbott
Did he really start out to do what he has done – surely not! Do any of them from any political side, what makes a man of values and virtue do some of the stuff they do. Just one question answered Yes or No by any of them would make my day. Also have you ever thought how they are supposed to know all the stuff the media ask them?

Myuran Sukumaran
What were those last moments like – knowing what was coming.

Terrorists
Really? How can you think what you are doing is okay at any level, anywhere…

Nelson Mandella
Who was gaoled for being a terrorist – then wasn’t a terrorist when the government changed – then became the government and opposed violence.

My Mum
She’s dead now, but what was it really like. Was I a selfish, self centred, disregarding, never visiting, take for granted, spoilt child like I think mine are? (PS: I don’t think my Mum ever told a lie!)

My Children
Do my children think they are the same as the above, or that I am hard to deal with, controlling, killjoy, overprotective, guilt mongering, cash tight, old fashioned, fuddy-duddy parent?

The Fucking Arsehole that Just Cut Me Off
Is he/she an arsehole; do they think I am an arsehole? I am trying to think what I know about them and realise I am actually them… we all are. Then I realise I know nothing about them – there are just too many of them!

Me
No, really enough about me – what about you – what do you think of me? What is it really like to be me (or You – I have assessed YOU below). Do I really know what it is like to be me. Do I spend a lot of time pretending to be you wondering what it is like to be me – trying to understand me? Probably not.

You
I don’t think about you much – I am too busy thinking about me and occasionally wondering what you think about me. Plus you are probably the arsehole that just cut me off. Or, could it be possible that you could be me, just the same, but not me.

So, now that I proven that I need to up my medication (what with the split personality flipping between me, you and Bill Gates!), but honestly I am getting pretty sick and tired of all the lies.

I wrote yesterday about the Merchants of Misery (the media and advertising) basically telling us that we are rubbish unless we buy some stuff they tell us we should buy. But, I am equally sick and tired of the lies everywhere that we tell each other and ourselves about each other and ourselves.

I suppose I am especially disturbed about the lies we tell ourselves and am constantly gob smacked how some of those lies we can actually believe….

“I did not have sexual relations with that woman….”
“There will be no carbon tax under a government….”
“We will find the weapons of mass destruction….” (NB: While typing that I made a typo and wrote “weapons of mass distraction”…….!!!)
“I’m not fat, stop oppressing me and giving me a false body image…..”
“Gay marriage is an important social……” (NB: Don’t ask me what I think about gay marriage, because I don’t….)
“Climate change is…….”
“The Cheque is in the mail…..” (NB: Only for those over 40!)
“You look great in that……”

Enough of the quotes I am making up or reciting from memory. I am just sick of the lies…..

Politicians not saying Yes or No;
Banks lying by omission on hidden fees and charges (but it was in the PDS! – whatever the fuck that is!)
Business saying it is okay to spend millions on lunch
Public servants saying they are working hard
Politicians using the public sector as their election campaign team and pretending it is policy or progress
The Police saying there is no traffic quota (and speed cameras are not for revenue raising – really, fucking spare me!)
The Merchants of Misery – everything they say
Me saying I am giving up smoking
My kids saying they didn’t get my text and they are reaaaaaally busy
I oppose the death penalty….. hang on what is that shiny thing over there – I oppose that too…..

But, mostly lying to ourselves that I am more important than you: we are more important (and my new LCD TV) than that starving black kid in whatever overseas land on the news right before the story about the Crows getting beaten and that bloody Port Power winning…..

Really, just stop lying. If you lie and keep telling yourself it is true, or true enough, or it doesn’t matter, then perhaps it doesn’t, because we will be doomed to die a most unfortunate death……

A death,
oblivious to the truth,
oblivious to others,
and the saddest of all…..

…….oblivious to ourselves.

Better at Meetings

Posted on 18/05/2015 by Ian

I have always loved the satirical comment that meetings are the best practical alternative to work!

Previously my work meetings were like a national pastime, fun, but rarely productive.

I could go through all the ‘types’ of meetings and the usual business analysis of their productivity and how to improve, but that has been done to death in just about every business journal, self-help book and sage advice from the business expert imaginable.

I suppose the one thing I will agree on is that a meeting to be of any use has to be productive. Surely the ultimate purpose of any meeting is to actually lead to the production of something….?

The other day I went to the home of a Balinese man for lunch, Wayan. He showed me around his home, which he pointed out was designed in the same configuration of all Balinese homes with sleeping rooms in one position, kitchen and dining room in another and a meeting area in another.

He stated that the meeting area was where the family get together at the end of each day to talk about their day and also to air any problems. He said it was important to resolve these things so that the next day was a new day. He said that if any one in the family was unhappy then all were unhappy until they sorted out any problems. He said they always did this because everyone wanted the new day to be a fresh start…. And he looked at me quizzically and said ‘Why wouldn’t you want that?’

Okay, I know since I have been writing my blog posts from Bali I may sound like a chapter in ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ but maybe Julia Roberts and Ketut were onto Screen Shot 2015-05-18 at 10.21.34 am something.

I thought about all the meetings I had been to where nothing was resolved and often animosity was they only outcome.

Also in our blended and often complicated family we tried the “Family Team Meeting” which was greeted with moans from the kids and trepidation (and hope) from my wife and I. Thinking back now about those meetings I realised we did have the best of intentions, but not the best of methodologies (like most other meetings in the world!). The agenda should have been what our heart was telling us and our outcomes only measured in the happiness of others. Strangely enough now our kids all love the ‘family dinner’ where there are often 10+ people sitting around our dinner table (no mobile phones rule in force until after) actually talking to each other. It is one of the most favourite things in my life.

I imagined myself at Wayan’s meeting where everybody there was looking towards the new day and everyone was ready to leave the old one behind. Grievances were left behind, failures were left behind, bridges were mended, caring and love were the key performance indicators.

I have often posted about living NOW: being mindful and not being trapped by the past or afraid of the future.

It is just that when you see these theories being an intimate part of a family, a culture and most of all the values of a person, I sometimes wonder if I really know where MY NOW is. Sometimes the realisation that now is not something you look for but something you have to stop and notice is as profound a realisation as knowing that each one of those moments never comes again.

There was a plaque I saw a few days ago (probably in a tourist shop, but where it was escapes me at the moment…) that said:

Yesterday is ashes
Tomorrow is wood
Only today does the fire burn brightly

Of course I looked it up on Google like you were going to (well, I hope!) and found that it is an old Eskimo Proverb…..

Just a thought, have you realised that the sayings, quotes or verse that inspires you, happens to often come from the simplest of lives. Screen Shot 2015-05-18 at 10.52.07 am

I don’t go to a lot of meetings nowadays and miss them little. But, I do intend to have a few meetings in the future.

The venue will be home, the participants family, the agenda happiness and the outcome a new day tomorrow.

Better Road Rules

Posted on 12/05/2015 by Ian

A while ago I wrote a post about driving in Bali (see Better Driving or Dancing).

I am now back here and driving again.

The most important road rule here is – patience.

We drove from Seminyak to Ubud which is about 30 kilometres and it took us one and a half hours! The roads are narrow, often in disrepair, there are few traffic lights and the traffic is peak hour from 8 am to 9 pm!

I enjoyed this drive more than going to the shops (3 km away) at home in Adelaide. It is important to note that I am on holidays and as such most of us tend to slow down and take it like it is, but, most of the other people on the roads we having a ‘normal’ day. So, why did I enjoy the drive?

Because of two things: patience and courtesy. These are the two main road rules in Bali, and they are contagious.

Just this afternoon in the heart of Ubud at peak hour traffic (remember that is all day) we say a young school girl approach the security guard/parking attendant/greeter at the restaurant we were having coffee at; in typical all over the world school girl fashion pulled on his sleeve to get his attention; he bent down and she whispered something in his ear. He then took her by the hand, started blowing his whistle feverishly, flapping his little orange flag about, and walked with her out onto the road, stopping all the traffic so she could get onto her school bus. All the traffic stopped! Not one horn was blow, fist waved or abuse hurled. My wife in her blog talks of ‘moments of joy’ – and perhaps this was one, but more importantly it was the absolute epitome of courtesy, manners, patience and a demonstration of values over rules.

In Australia and most western countries we have so much legislation that we tend to ignore it all – there are no ‘important’ road rules, there are just an enormous list of rules we can get a ticket for! Remember the Police telling us of the ‘fatal 5’ have not real statistical justification (other than inattention) for these being the 5 offences they choose to target – they are just the most prevalent and cost effective. (I did no, read, NO research into that last statement – prove me wrong- I dare you!)

I should actually do a lot more research in my posts, but can’t want to!

It is always my belief that the main reasons people have car crashes are:

Inattention
Lack of Experience/Skill
Impatience

All of which could be fixed with adequate training. This training would start at home from birth. It would consist of a few basic lessons:

Learning that you are not the most important person in the world.
Learning that you are not entitled to anything, you earn it.
Empathy.
Generosity.
Courtesy and manners.
Real life is tangible not electronic.

After about 16 years of training you get to drive a car!

Our driving in Australia is akin to our lives. We rush recklessly to things that most of the time don’t matter. In that rush we forget that someone else may be rushing to something that does matter.

We don’t need better road rules we need better drivers. I am going to start a campaign to make this happen.

I am going to start with me.

Better at Picking a Fight in an Empty Room

Posted on 12/02/2015 by Ian

A few months ago I was with a couple of my good old mates attempting to go for a ‘3 hour cruise’ on one of their little sailing boats. Well the result was similar to the fate of the S.S. Minnow when we became stranded motorless in the Patawalonga moorings drifting towards the bridge. One of us had decided to take a rope and swim back to the mooring so we could them pull ourselves to safety (it wasn’t me!).

At this time, with stresses high, it was not a good time for the well meaning bogan to look over the side of the bridge and ask if we were having trouble…..

I suppose, no matter how much I attempt to control ‘the scorpion’ (see my post Better the Scorpion) it is at moments like this that control is abandoned for the only form of defence, attack! Also, as sarcasm in the lowest form of wit and apparently the only kind I possess, I replied to our friend and his bull terrier on the bridge:

‘No, we’re right, we’re doing this for fun’

Well what proceeded was an increasing heated exchange where our ‘saviour’ substantially withdrew his offer of assistance to help and exchanged it for a more sincere offer to smash my face in!

Luckily it took us so long to get the boat moored that he lost interest, but, I did then receive the assessment from my friends that I was capable of ‘picking a fight in an empty room.’

Yeah….. must to my denial, they were perhaps pretty right about that.

I try to see the world from the funny side and stick to my mantras (see my Home Page) but often things (and especially people) no matter how hard I try, shit me! That term, ‘shits me’ has also become a mantra towards me by a certain group of friends who have heard me say it so many times – often they will start the chant “Hey, does that shit you” “Yeah, it shits him” “That’s gotta shit ya”

Through all the above – ‘picking a fight in an empty room’ and ‘that shits me’ – I have come to realise it is just me, being reflected back at me. It is like those moments when you walk past the mirror after a big night out (or when you are old!) and initially step back in shock as you don’t recognise yourself immediately – the bad, or is it the good part is that upon that recognition you realise it is time to get your shit together and tidy yourself up and face the day with your best face. I think this is the same with attitudes not only your appearance.

Bob (see Better with Bob) used to say the only way to live each day is with an ‘attitude of gratitude’. Great little saying, although I am not one for ‘cheesy’ little proverbs delivered usually with a condescending all knowing grin and at a time when it just to ‘shits me’ and I want to argue with them…… oh, there I go again!

I think the observation of me ‘picking a fight in an empty’ room was probably more insightful than the obvious intent – which was to take the piss out of me. However, upon reflection the two mates I was with, one was (see Better with Des Steele – my friend) and one is still (see Quotes Page – The Wisdom of Puk), pretty insightful sorts of guys.

I suppose the mirror reflects us as our friends reflect the person we really are.

I also think a lot of these ‘fights in empty rooms’ are fights inside my head – always remembering that inside my head is a very dangerous place and I never go there alone!

Maybe, the bogan on the bridge was a reflection of me – maybe it is all done with mirrors and the actual trick is seeing, and realising, what is real, what is now, and what is important.

Maybe, next time I am picking that fight, I perhaps need to spend more time on the riverbank (see Better on the Riverbank), realising that maybe, the enemy I am waiting to come floating buy, the person I am wanting to fight, really is in that empty room – because it’s me.

I hope, I win.

Better with things on wheels

Posted on 08/02/2015 by Ian

I just love things on wheels.

No, not big fat muscle cars, but, just stuff that moves around on wheels, in my shed.

I love my shed and I have lots of stuff. To my wife’s bewilderment, I get more stuff to go with my other stuff. It is hard to explain why I sometimes need two or three of the
same thing and an array of miss matched and appropriately sorted and labelled screws, nuts, bolts and bits of strange shaped things (some of which I have forgotten the reason I saved them – but I know I will need it tomorrow if I throw it away today!)

So all my stuff fills my shed and often I have to move stuff to get to other stuff. The answer, have everything on wheels!

I have benches on wheels, seats on wheels, shelves on wheels, lockers on wheels and trollies on wheels to wheel things around that don’t have wheels, yet!

I think it is my knowledge that I am the master of my environment, albeit that it is a 20 x 20 shed, because of the wheels on my things.

I have decided that there are a few things that must be on wheels to have a productive, safe and happy time in my shed. Incidentally, this is MY shed and the Occupational Health Safety and Welfare guidelines are what I make them – there will be no ‘Hi-Viz’ vests (see my post on this at Better with Hi-Viz). Safety will always be trumped by fun, if it is more fun to have something on wheels than it is safe to do so then the wheels must be fitted with all due haste. Fitting wheels immediately upon a new purchase is imperative however, I do not recommend taking the wheels of your wife’s ‘market trolley’ or small child’s trike as they don’t get it! In these circumstances, it is just another really good reason to go to Bunnings – because I need a reason!

Okay, so the things that must be on wheels:

A Seat on Wheels
Mine is an old office chair that I have removed the broken office seat from and replaced it with a stool top. This allows me to just plonk down on it to either do work on the low bench or the high bench (must have both!) and also to just sit on and have a beer – which is becoming a more regular shed exercise than actually doing work. This seat of course, being a recycled office chair has adjustable height and most of all, you can scoot around the shed to get stuff (including beer) without actually standing up.
Esky of Wheels
I have converted an old fridge into my favourite esky (yes I know ‘Esky’ is a brand name but I just hate the word ‘cooler’). As a result this is a big esky and requires two people to lift it when full but can be wheeled about by one. Of course having the esky and the above stool on wheels gives you the option of scooting on the stool to the esky or wheeling the esky to you – both fantastic solutions to getting a beer with the minimum of heavy lifting or in fact actually walking.
Tool Box on Wheels
Well my tool box doesn’t actually have wheels but I have a tool box trolley to wheel my tool boxes around. This is of course only needed when the ‘shed toolbox’ does not have a tool I need and I have to bring the ‘car toolbox’ into the shed or visa versa. Plus if you have the tool box on wheels and are using the stool on wheels you can actually do all your jobs again by just scooting around on your stool and having your tool box in tow – and getting beer at the same time.
BBQ on Wheels
This is not the big BBQ that sits in the back yard with multiple burners, flat plate and wok burner (whatever that is!) but the BBQ that you take to the river, on the family holiday, to the park. It is also not one of those little round one’s like our Dads had were we had to have three rounds of cooking just to feed the family. My BBQ has wheels that are to move it from storage to usage. It is a big flat plate BBQ for doing the sausage sizzle or the morning pancake parade while trying to feed 100s of our own kids and the 100s that always seem to be hanging around (and recently writing things on our shopping list that they would like us to have in our house for them!). This ‘family BBQ’ is the next generation with a built in table, it’s own set of tools and I have got rid of the annoying little ‘fat cup’ underneath and put in a ‘fat channel’ that directs all the fat into beer can that you throw away at the end of the day (my Mother would be horrified as this ‘dripping’ was what she cooked all our breakfast eggs in – usually at a depth of about 3 cms!).

I actually can go on and on about things on wheels and how I love my shed – but it is Sunday morning and I am sitting at my computer writing this when I should be having my second cup of coffee in my shed, just standing there, wondering and actually bearing witness to man’s triumph over maintaining serenity and order in a world of hardware and stuff.

So in the future, when you bend to lift that heavy thing, when you have to stand up to get that beer, think about the wonder of wheels on things ……. and go about installing them immediately!

Better at Parties

Posted on 07/02/2015 by Ian

I have just returned home from an afternoon birthday party for a mate. Last night we went to a birthday party for another friend.

Screen shot 2015-02-07 at 9.46.04 AM

Each time I came home I realised that I am enjoying parties more, when traditionally they were often an ‘obligation’ or a piss fest for dubious reasons.

Why?

Well I suppose it has something to do with the parties I am now being invited to. This incidentally was a subject of a conversation at both the recent parties that I have attended.

As you may have guessed from my other posts (or the fact that you know me) I am a 53 year old, technically double divorcee, making a great life with my wonderful wife and our complicated and often confusing blended lives.

Screen Shot 2015-02-01 at 4.23.45 pm

Well, at these parties we are often lamenting (sorry, but I love the word lamenting!) our life experience and position in the evolutionary chain where we are now getting invited to funerals, 50+ birthdays or the birthdays of our children; often 21st’s where we either supply the food or the money, and leave early!

Happy_Anniversary_05

So why at this stage of my life am I ‘better at parties’.

I think the reason is that historically (read – ‘when I was under 30’) parties were supposed to be fun and we would have fun at any cost, even if we were not having fun. The party of the year could not be missed even if there were another 20 parties of the year that had to be attended in that week!

And, now, parties are something that I go to because I/we are invited because of what I/we bring, other than a present.
And, the presents are often a hand made card, with old photos, and something that was baked or made for the specific purpose of giving it to my friend.
And, leaving early is something that is accepted because we all have real lives
And, we attended because it meant something to us
And, we attended because it meant something to them
And, we felt welcome
And, we laughed (that big belly laugh that only comes with being with real friends)
And, we talk to everyone at the party because they were just like us

And (most of all), even if you left early or were the last to leave, all they way home you chatted about what a good time you had, and how the people were nice, and even though you have enough friends you were now glad that you got to meet new and different people, and how you laughed, and how you were going to ring so-and-so because they seemed a little sad, and you thought you might catch up for a coffee, and how you so, so, so, so much appreciated being at that party.

I am better at parties because the parties are better.

Yeah, it took a little longer than I thought (maybe 30 or so years) to get around to knowing which parties were the best and also organising the parties that were the best.

But, now the only parties I go to, or the only parties I organise are the ones that actually use the excuse of a birthday, an anniversary or even a death to be with the people that add to my life. The best parties are the ones that celebrate the getting together of people to do nothing other than be with each other; yeah, we celebrate the ‘occassion’ but really it is about the people, and I suppose the word is the ‘fellowship’.

We have an annual ‘Boxing Day’ party, which is basically an open house the day after Christmas for everyone to relax and ‘get over’ Christmas day. We have been having them for about 6 years and every year is quite different. Some are large, others just small gatherings. But, they are usually a eclectic collection of our friends from the different spheres of our lives. Some come all day, some just pop in. We know everyone and the atmosphere encourages everyone to get to know everyone; this is not a ‘high maintenance guests’ party, and mostly we get to relax as well. I suppose it is because everyone who comes, actually wants to come as it is an ‘open house’ which I suppose pivots around us, bringing our friends together in doing something easy, in a relaxing and peaceful way.

This is something I take to other peoples parties. I am there because of the host – it is their party and their friends, some or none of who I may know, but I have been thought of enough to get invited. I think, therefore if I go, I do not want to be a ‘high maintenance guest!’ I want to add to their party as I hope I add to their life.

When my wife and I got married we only invited people who added to our life. A few people were surprised at their invites and a few were horrified they weren’t. We only invited people who added to our lives (no-one was invited out of obligation or just for being a relative!) – so they added to our party/reception and it was a real celebration, with real friends. One of the people I didn’t invite but worked with everyday for years got a bit miffed and eventually asked me why they hadn’t been invited and I asked them a question – “What does my lounge room look like?” – and they couldn’t answer; in 20 years of working together we had never been to each others houses and only ‘associated’ at work. I do not work there anymore and have not heard from the person I used to talk to on the phone and see everyday for 20 years, since the day I left…! I don’t miss them.

I want to finish this post now, as it says all I want to really say. But, and there is is always a but in my posts. I think I need to share the experiences of my parties, both attended and hosted, that can be quantified in a list.

So, here is my list of ‘hints’ for having or going to a great party.

A good party is one you share with people who add to your life. This is not people who are in your life everyday – add, means add. No invitation should ever be sent or accepted through obligation (see my post Better at Obligations)
Actually RSVP – not 5 minutes before to say sorry but you can’t make is as the kids are sick/baby sitter cancelled/had to work – we all know it’s bullshit – have the guts to say no!
Generosity in time in preparing or attending is noticed and reciprocated.
The start time is a real indicator of the time that the party actually starts. Arriving late is just rude (see my post on Better with the ONLY commodity)
Leaving is the time it is supposed to be for you or them.
Stories and listening are equally important – do both, about the same.
Say hello to everyone and say goodbye to those you can.
Send thank you notes.
Bring lots and leave it all – take the last of the cake if offered.
If you organise the next one before the end of this one, actually organise it.

I’m not to sure if I am better at parties or if the parties are better – either way, the party of the year is usually the one you least expect.

Being A Better Man

Who never made a mistake, never made a discovery….

Category Archives: Better because it’s Funny

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Better at Picking a Fight in an Empty Room

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Better at Parties

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